Attn culture vultures: CreMasterCard announced in Artillery mag

Excerpts from Artillery magazine, March/April 2008 by Josh Herman.

Dear Mr. Occupant:
Congratulations! You’ve been Pre-Approved for the credit card that dozens of clueless artists love: the CreMasterCard from VaselyneTM! Matthew Barney and his five-part, 398-minute epic film The Cremaster Cycle, comes to brilliant 2-D life on these petroleum jelly-made plastic cards …
UNIQUE DESIGN: The CreMasterCard comes with Barney’s signature Field Emblem—an ellipse with a horizontal line bisecting it, representing self-imposed restraint over a biological process …
OVERDUE PAYMENT PLAN. In the event your balance is overdue, you will be forced to watch Cycle-per-dollar of the 7-hour film. We guarantee you won’t ever accrue a late payment again …

33% Fixed APR. While this may appear steep, please know your money is going to a worthy cause: purchasing underwear for Barney, as he can’t seem to stay clothed in any film or performance piece …

And so forth. If you get the card, hold out for some of that underwear. You’ll need it if you sit in those vaselineoid thrones Barney constructed for victims to watch Cremaster #2. I tried ‘em out at SF MOMA and they were itchier than the itchiest fiberglass. Likely it was just Barney’s scheme for viewers to feel like the man up the fuzzy tree what Elvis sang about.
During my art trek last week, I did see a large book, in excess of 20 pounds, published by the Guggenheim. If I’d had a great deal of money, I could have purchased it to discover the reasons behind the Spud-State Enigma’s peculiar artistic strategies. The book had nothing on Drawing Restraint #9, which might be explicable if projected concurrently while playing Jim Capaldi of Traffic’s solo album Whale Meat Again?

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