Outside Lands Festival: “Take the money and run, take the money and run.”

The Outside Lands Festival in San Francisco on Friday (Aug. 22) night taught important lessons: Never invite 5 million people to a party. Ecological festivals means biodegradable cups for $11 glasses of zinfandel. It also means one parked electric car everyone will marvel at, as if it was the display model in a Soviet department store. Don’t bring anything you have to carry, because you will be in the biggest mob you have ever seen in your life. Don’t pee, or else bring a urine container with you. Or bring something to read while standing in a half-hour Portapotty line. Do not wear stylish shoes. Bring clumsy ugly hiking boots. You will get blisters hiking across those many, many acres. When the crowd breaks, you’ll be hiking over rough country to get out of the park. Five million people will tread on your toes. Some will do this because they are baked. Most will do this because they are text-messaging and walking at the same time. If you’re Radiohead, watch out for sudden peak-hour power failures. Have your tour bus primed and ready so you can get out alive, while first diverting the crowd with a tape loop. Your cellphone may flip out due to the massive, carcinogenic electronic bubble over the Polo Field. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A RENDEZVOUS IF YOU GET SPLIT UP FROM YOUR PARTY. Or else be a dejected, raving figure standing at a drizzly, lonesome intersection at night, wandering deeper into the avenues than you’ve ever wanted to be in your life.

62 comments to Outside Lands Festival: “Take the money and run, take the money and run.”

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