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Bad, Bad Bert

Finally, we have proof of a Muppet's heart of darkness

By Andrea Perkins

ONE OF the wonderful things about the Internet is that it has given rise to a whole new art form: weird websites that serve no useful purpose whatsoever. The award winning www.fractalcow.com/bert/bert.htm is a classic example of this genre. Its only function is to prove that the pointy headed Bert, of Sesame Street fame, who may seem like just another innocent, geeky Muppet with a passion for bottle caps and pigeons, is, in reality, evil.

The site provides ample evidence for this claim. Bert's well-hidden perversity makes his best friend Ernie's rubber ducky fetish look normal. This is not a site for children. Explicit photos document the bad things Bert has done, like taking a traumatized Ernie to a strip club, smoking marijuana, assassinating JFK and worst of all, co-producing Kevin Costner's most pathetic of offerings: The Postman. What evil deed could top that? Well, maybe the fact that Bert molested Michael Jackson when he was a child. The disturbing picture proves it beyond the shadow of a doubt. Poor Michael. Now we understand.

Interviews with Kermit and other residents of Sesame Street provide additional shocking testimony to Bert's vile and wretched heart, though the interviews aren't as funny as the pictures.

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From the January 3-10, 2001 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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