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Psychic Predictions

[whitespace] Burlacticus Undertow
Brushed-Up Burlacticus: Will Burlacticus Undertow turn to male dancers in thongs?

Local rockers just might clean up their look, sign some really big-time deals and top the children's music charts

By Matt Koumaras

JANUARY HAS reared her Medusa-like head, which can only mean it's time for annual scene soothsaying. My prediction powerplay was a pathetic two for 15 in 1999--but give me credit for accurately stating that Twisted Sister Monica would become the most hardcore band ever to come out of Santa Cruz. I vow to do better this year. Remember, these predictions are to be taken lightly as they are nothing more than impending destiny.

Paul from Riff Raff is inspired by seeing his son rocking out at shows. Paul decides Riff Raff needs to be a little mellower and takes the idea of doing it for the kids even further. His concept: Riff Raffi. Few can resist everyone's favorite childhood performer, Raffi, as he belts out a Disney-fied version of "Kustom Made Spell" while tantalizing the kids with free Pokéman tattoos.

Naked Ape gets sponsored by Maybelline and makes a multi-media movie called "Ape Meets the Phantom" at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk complete with laser tag light show.

Haunted by catching his most cherished ukulele being groped by a drum circle at Rhythm Fusion, Oliver Brown morphs from loveable math- team captain of the Denominators into a jaded gangsta rapper. Cruel lyrics like "See the ho with the cotton candy gat" become his epithet in the key of G.

After showing it all for The Probe magazine, Chuck from Good Riddance becomes a Playgirl centerfold. Included in his stats are: favorite artist, "Merle Allin"; turn-offs, "Steven Seagal-looking bouncers and chefs"; and favorite midnight snack, "Saltines and you by candlelight."

Vincent's Ear calls it quits, but several side projects form, including Vincent Price's Rear, D.R. Eye and Cliff Burton's Innards.

Kings of the five o'clock shadow, Subtle Oak Complexity are signed by Gillette Records. The band scraps the indie lumberjack look in favor of clean-cut Osmond jingles that make everyone romance the razor.

Colt from the Huxtables gets his other eye shot out from a Red Rider BB gun fired by Stephen King.

The members of Cherry Ames decide their name just isn't as catchy as Yaphett Kotto or Jenny Piccolo. By switching their name to commemorate former Eight Is Enough stud and Charles in Charge pud Willie Aimes, the band exudes a grace and guile that cannot be denied.

I pull off my mask of skin to reveal that I am actually the Good Times music columnist--and also Stevie Nicks. Vengeance is mine!

Space Boy enters a 12-step program. Each member has the Pepsi logo tattooed on his forehead. They change "Planet of Pot" to "Planet of Not" and "Stoner Fort" becomes "Straight Edge Fort." Record sales soar, and MTV's Carson Daly becomes their new, clingy best friend.

Burlacticus Undertow ditches the female dancers in favor of scantily clad, dancing celebrity dudes. Take a gander at the dental-floss thongs on Metal Mike, the Ghost Riders of Lompico and Damien Olsen, the forgotten sibling of the Olsen twins who's been locked in the woodshed until now.

Upcoming

Burlacticus Undertow, Ohms, Sneaky Creekans and Robot God are at the Catalyst Thursday; Friday, Ominum is at Callahans.

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From the January 5-12, 2000 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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