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Pissed!
By Johnny Angel

Just Add Punk:
Sorry, kids, there ain't nuthin' new under the sun or in the air when it comes to rock & roll music

Oh, my lovely little alties, how my heart lights up with glee every time I hear you tout the music of your generation, whichever age group that is. Because from my ageist vantage point, most of what passes for new music is mostly the same chords 'n' beats 'n' hooks, only revved up a bit, because the manufacturers of '90s Muzik happened to make records after punk rock existed, as opposed to their hippie/greaser/mod forefathers and mothers. So I figure that all youse young 'uns might appreciate where your fave-rave sounds actually came from, with a mathematical twist. For example:

Neil Young + punk rock = J. Mascis
(which means that, conversely, J. Mascis - punk = Neil Young).

Simple, eh?

How about these babies:

Joe Walsh + punk rock = the Flaming Lips

Tommy Tutone + punk rock = Gin Blossoms

Styx + punk rock = Smashing Pumpkins

Pat Benatar + punk rock = Alanis Morrisette

Peter Frampton + punk rock = Bush

Mott the Hoople + punk rock = the Clash + punk rock = Stiff Little Fingers + punk rock = Discharge - punk rock + the Specials = Rancid

The Doobie Brothers + George Clinton + punk rock = Red Hot Chili Peppers

Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel + punk rock = Oasis

Led Zep + Busby Berkeley + punk rock = Jane's Addiction

Queen + Depeche Mode + punk rock = Nine Inch Nails

Johnny Cash + punk rock = Social Distortion

Jim Morrison + Vincent Price + punk rock = Nick Cave

(Black Sabbath + Black Flag) - punk rock = the Melvins

Yes + Frank Zappa + punk rock = Primus

Maureen Tucker + punk rock = Kim Deal

Wavy Gravy + punk rock = Jello Biafra

George Wallace + Father Coughlin + Orville Faubus + punk rock = Pat Buchanan

Captain Beefheart - Richard Hell (+) punk rock = all bad college radio bands that eschew melody and rhythm.

And the list goes ever on...

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From the March 21-27, 1996 issue of Metro Santa Cruz

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