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The Akima Report

[whitespace] Akima
Robert Scheer

Scientists confirm wonder drug's potency

ON JAN. 7,1987, the management of Metro Santa Cruz contracted with the world-renowned Baugh, Hausen and Troeling Pharmaceutical Research Center (a wholly owned subsidiary of the University of California) to conduct exhaustive testing upon synthesized crystalline and liquid samples of Akima, a purportedly "mega-mind-altering" chemical derivative of the pyncmesuzah plant indigenous to the Marapampa region of Brazil. The following report is an encapsulation of the primary data generated by this investigation.

Sirs:

In accordance with our pact, the firm of Baugh, Hausen and Troeling has conducted a full complement of microchemical screens and human subject effect investigations upon the samples of Akima submitted for analysis. I will endeavor to relate the findings germane to this research in a manner permitting unimpaired clarity.

Of foremost significance, Akima manifests as an absolutely atoxicological substance: that is, bearing no virulent properties. An absence of toxicity was demonstrated in both laboratory animals and human subjects at dosages up to 100cc in man.

The intake level of Akima necessary to produce hallucinatory and transcorporeal effects in man was found to be 1cc. Overdose is thus considered an impossibility. Akima was introduced by means of both oral absorption and intravenous inoculation. Neither method results in any irrational disturbance of entry point, and no discomfort was reported by human subjects nor was revealed in measurable/observable subhuman mammalian behavior.

The compound was found to be orally insipid (tasteless). Post-ingestion Akima was unwaveringly undetectable in either urine or blood samples. Oxygenated breath analysis was devoid of residue. Dipolyabsorbinologic screens clearly indicate that Akima is instantly biodegraded by means of endogenous sodiolypic enzymes that are precipitated for anatomic distribution by atypical linings of the corpus callosum, which itself appears to be hyperstimulated vis-a-vis the narcotic catalyst. The referent enzymes are functionally dissimulated by the anlespleen.

The Akima dromoid phase (the chemically induced "high") fluctuated in temporal impact between 12.43 minutes and 61.56 minutes among our human subjects. During the postdromoid period, an extremely brief flaring of baryglossia (slow utterance of speech) was exhibited by all subjects, but in no case persisted for a duration longer than 425.11 nanoseconds. Following this interesting and benign phenomenon, there were no biological, cognitive or emotional side effects.

The human subjects were unanimous in their action/reaction and experienced intensely pleasurable sensations of vastly elevated height coupled with a cerebral state that can only be described as lucid dreaming at altitude.

Finally, it is the considered opinion of our legal counsel that due to absence of FDA obstruction at this juncture, the chemical Akima is in effect legal for possession, distribution and usage.

I sincerely hope our pharmacological efforts have yielded data sufficient to appease your curiosity, and on behalf of our research triad, I wish to proffer our personal thanks for the opportunity to spearhead the initial probe into the nucleic essence of this astounding substance.

Kenneth C. Weiss, D.D., O.T.M
Chief of Research, Baugh, Hausen and Troeling

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From the April 1-7, 1998 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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