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[whitespace] ArnoCorps Unleashed

By Steve Palopoli

Practically nothing can prepare one for the "action-adventure audio assault" of the punk band ArnoCorps. But as the Austrian favorites return to the Aptos Club for a show on Saturday, May 31, Metro Santa Cruz offers you a glimpse into the psyche of the band behind such songs as "The Terminator," "Total Recall," "Commando" and "Raw Deal" in this rare interview with band leader Holzfeuer. No subject was off-limits as we asked about the band's rumored connection to Arnold Schwarzenegger and whether they are as truly as tough as they portray themselves onstage. All grammatical errors are presented in Holzfeuer's original, heavily Austrian-accented and slightly-broken English, as dictated in the band's interview-guideline treaty titled "Terms of Media Outlet Surrender to ArnoCorps" and delivered to us under heavy guard.

Metro Santa Cruz: Some have drawn a connection between the band and Arnold Schwarzenegger due to the fact that--besides your name--you dress like him, speak like him, and each of your songs is named after one of his films. What do you say to that?

Holzfeuer: Who's the low-forehead that came up with this question? Our bassist, Toten Adler, drives a black Trans-am, I suppose that is making him Burt Reynolds? Come on, now. Stop whining! Of course we share a similar accent to a fellow Austrian like this Schwarzenoodle you speak of. Dress like him, you ask? We wear the uniform of ArnoCorps, the commando gear required to deliver audio assaults of such magnitude. Him, he only wears costumes for movie films. This is our lifes, not some goddamn game. To say we name our songs after HIS films, this is when we draw lines in the sands and hold back from crushing your skull like a grape! Our songs are about Austrian folklore, ancient mythology, stories that have been around for centuries! Hans the Terminator, defender of Austria from Celtic invaders in the year 399 B.C. by implementing extreme force and heartless brutality. Look it up! No robo-men saying "Goodbye la vista." It's all bullshit! ArnoCorps brings to the people the tales as they were always meant to be told, through action-adventure rock & roll. To go the route of telling these same stories through the Hollywood movies is wrong to us.

Your emphasis on physical fitness is remarkable. At shows, you sometimes refer to the audience as "soft like marshmallows" and say that if there were a campfire around, you would roast them. Have you ever done this?

Exactly. This is what we tell the audiences when they are lazy and soft. The fatties sit on stools and choke on their beer because the power of ArnoCorps' sound makes them gasp. Many have been pushing too many pencils and donuts. Sometimes we need to get the audience ready for the show by leading them into some simple exercises, otherwise they get cramped up and nobody wins. Feeling the pump is like having an orgasms. When the band gets together at our secret HQ for training, we get to experience a fantastic pump that would kill others like the N'Syncs and Dixie Chickens. These musicians of ArnoCorps are the last action rock heroes and I am honored to share the stage with them.

I heard there was once a Sylvester Stallone tribute band with songs based on the ancient lore of speech-impaired Italian-Americans. what happened to them?

That's a funny question. That's why I'm going to answer it last: You lack discipline! Stallone is a fucking choir boy! If you want to know what happened to that band, you will have to go ask their mommies. They went crying back home to get their little tooshies wiped after seeing ArnoCorps. We rocked so hard, their bowels exploded. They begged us to stop, but we laughed at them with laughter.

If the entire band was lost in the woods with only some sticks to make fire and hunting implements, could you still rock?

Remember when I told you I was going to answer the previous question last? I lied. We have been in many stickier situation, and let me tell you, we always have the power of Arno inside us, the strength of the action-adventure lifestyle, the force that allows us to rock like no others. We are here to spread the awareness of Arno to the entire world. To remind everyone there is a hero inside all of us each. It doesn't matter where you come from, where you live now, or where you are going. It is about the belief in doing what is right and helping other people out ... and crushing your enemies and seeing them driven before you! Yes, we understand what is best in life. We keep this strong in our minds whether we are lost in the woods, swimming across the ocean, climbing the great mountain of the almighty Crom, working out in the gym, or rocking out in Santa Cruz clubs. If you cannot understand this, then to hell with you! By the way, Toten Adler does not drive a Trans-Am. He has a Humvee. I was making jokes.

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From the May 28-June 4, 2003 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

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