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50 Reasons to Vote For John Kerry

With all the bad juju in this election, we challenged our frequent and admittedly snarky contributor to keep it positive--and to be serious for once. Of course, he failed miserably, just like we hoped. Here are the results of his carefully numerated attempts to go beyond 'anybody but Bush.'

By Art O'Sullivan

1. John Kerry loves freedom. The American way of life is threatened by a tyrannical zealot. This evildoer possesses stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction and has already killed thousands of innocent people. For the sake of our own future and the world's, we must bring about regime change. George W. Bush must be disarmed and removed from power. And John Kerry is the guy who can take him out.

2. John Kerry does not need rich friends, because he has a rich wife.

3. Ketchup money is a lot less dangerous than oil money. No country, however ambitious or well armed, has ever attacked another to seize control of its ketchup supply.

4. Kerry is capable of learning, evolving and even revising his thinking. The incumbent dismisses this as "flip-flopping," but it's actually one of Kerry's good qualities. Dubya, a guy who campaigned in 2000 to become "the education president," shows a remarkable distaste for learning--especially from his own mistakes.

5. John Kerry speaks coherent English, routinely and spontaneously coming up with complete sentences that make sense and reflect substantial knowledge.

6. Kerry pronounces "nuclear" correctly.

7. Kerry is taller than Bush. He can stare Osama bin Laden straight in the eye.

8. Kerry knows how to spell and pronounce Osama bin Laden's name, and intends to catch him. Bush once said he was "truly not that concerned" about finding the alleged perpetrator of the 9/11 attacks.

9. Kerry is better at geography. He knows where Vietnam is, for instance.

10. Kerry had the physical courage to volunteer to fight in the Vietnam War, while draft-dodging armchair hawks like Bush and Cheney were cheering the war on television. (Bush admitted in the first debate that this is still how he gets his war news.)

11. Kerry had the moral courage to come home from Vietnam and tell a Senate committee the awful truth about what Americans were doing over there.

12. With John Kerry in the White House, we'll get a president who will earn his pay for a change. Whenever Kerry waxes wonky, you can just tell he loves all that policy stuff and really works hard at it. Dubya's famous detachment from "details" corresponds to his long and frequent vacations--including the entire month of August 2001--all of which helps explain the fine mess we're all in today.

13. That winning smile in the debates that said, "I actually want to be here communicating with the American people, unlike Captain Twitch-N-Smirk over there."

14. No U.S. presidential candidate who lost the popular vote but still got into the White House has ever been elected to a second term. (See "Mock the Vote," Metro Santa Cruz, June 30.) Thus, by voting Bush out--wait, we're being positive here. By voting Kerry in we will be carrying on a patriotic American tradition.

15. It's the economy, smirking idiot son of stupid. See? Positive!

16. Kerry values American workers. Dubya favors "outsourcing" Americans' jobs as one element of his faith-based economic policy.

17. Kerry respects the constitutional separation of church and state, and refuses to let government impose anyone's religious beliefs on everyone else. By contrast, born-again crusader Bush thinks he gets his presidential marching orders straight from the Almighty. (Here again, the man is out of touch with reality. Even if God were a Republican, why would he waste time calling Dubya when he could go straight to Cheney?)

18. John Kerry knows what the letters "U.N." stand for, and he believes in the concept. We can accomplish more good by working with the rest of the world than against it.

19. Kerry believes in cooperating with America's allies. But when Bush was asked during the second debate how he would repair damaged relations with other nations, instead of answering he started listing lots of things he's done that miffed our allies, claiming all the while that he's been right every time. A leader who does not listen to or respect allies will eventually lose them. President Kerry will start fresh to mend our global friendships.

20. Candidate Kerry favors abolishing the death penalty. Compare this to George W. Bush, who carved enough notches on his Texas death house to vie with brother Jeb for the title of "killin'est governor in Dixie." Bush likes to say he's "pro-life," but hey, that's only for the unborn.

21. President Kerry will replace John Ashcroft. America needs an attorney general who does not believe he has to destroy freedom to save it.

22. President Kerry will remove Donald Rumsfeld from office. Most Americans would prefer to see a secretary of defense who, when directing the systematic devastation of a country that has not even attacked us, can at least pretend he's not enjoying it so much.

23. The next president will probably select the next chief justice of the Supreme Court, and perhaps several other justices, who will eventually take up more cases involving abortion rights. When Dubya was asked during the third debate whether he would like to overturn Roe v. Wade, he dodged the question. Kerry publicly committed himself to nominating judges who will protect Americans' constitutional rights, including reproductive choice.

24. Kerry cares about protecting the environment. To Bush, environmentalists are evildoers who are deliberately blocking his friends' access to a whole mess of prime oil they'd just love to suck up and sell.

25. Kerry hasn't fallen off a bicycle lately.

26. Kerry can eat pretzels without choking.

27. President Kerry is unlikely to appoint an oil tanker namesake as his national security adviser.

28. Kerry has not publicly and repeatedly referred to the unborn child as a "feces."

29. Kerry is playing with a full deck and understands what all those little shapes and numbers on the cards are for.

30. In a crisis, President Kerry won't get stuck waiting around for instructions from his vice president.

31. Kerry's vice presidential choice, John Edwards, was never CEO of an oil company that is profiteering shamelessly off the Iraq War.

32. Edwards is the only major vice presidential candidate who did not pressure the CIA into doctoring intelligence data to create the false impression that Saddam Hussein was planning to attack the United States.

33. Edwards also did not urge Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy to engage himself in an impossible sexual act on the Senate floor.

34. Did someone say "unprotected Iraqi ammunition dumps?" Wait, who's the better choice for "security president"?

35. Kerry's family does not have business ties to the bin Laden family.

36. Kerry did not arrange to spirit bin Laden family members out of this country right after 9/11, before the FBI had a chance to interview them and find out what they knew about Osama's activities. What, that's not negative! He didn't!

37. Kerry does not have a brother Jeb who rigs elections for him by sabotaging African Americans' attempts to vote.

38. Kerry does not have another brother, Neal, who made off with a bundle of cash during the Silverado savings and loan scandal--a major corporate crime for which America's taxpayers are still working off the tab.

39. Kerry is the candidate whose paternal grandfather did not get into trouble for conducting unlawful business with Nazi Germany.

40. Kerry is the presidential candidate whose father never worked for the Saudi royal family.

41. Kerry knows better than to proclaim a "crusade" against Islamic terrorism when you don't want to turn the rest of the Muslim world against you.

42. John Kerry is not a dry drunk. He is not inclined toward rages, mood swings or religious ranting while planning national policy.

43. President Kerry will never mislead this country into a quicksand minefield to impress his dad.

44. Because his father never directed the CIA.

45. Because his vice president does not have defibrillator frequent flyer miles.

46. Be honest, would you rather look at John Edwards or Dick Cheney for the next four years?

47. That Texas village called--they really want their idiot back.

48. Because Ralph Nader can't help you now.

49. So that, when Kerry wins, you can share in the credit.

50. So that, in case Kerry loses, you won't have to spend the rest of your life wracked by guilt, knowing that you stood there watching while the gang that stole the 2000 election was beating democracy to death and you didn't even put up a fight.

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From the October 27-November 3, 2004 issue of Metro Santa Cruz.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Maintained by Boulevards New Media.

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