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Critic's Corner

More Hollywood wisdom from film critic Angus MacSavage

By Richard von Busack

ANGUS MacSAVAGE, longtime film critic for the Tri-County Intransigent, is a three- time winner of the Golden Barb at the Rouen Feste du Critiques Distinguées. His demolition of a semifinalist at the 1982 Children's Film Expo in Winnipeg is frequently quoted: "You're wasting your time ... and ours. You can have no possible future as a filmmaker." After the 11-year-old's subsequent suicide, MacSavage was awarded special honors by the Rouen Feste. Shot twice by John Milius and once assaulted with a broken wine bottle by Emma Thompson, MacSavage survives to share the fruits of his mailbag with his readers. He welcomes your scorn, and promises to return it tenfold.

Who was that guy? You know, the guy who always used to say "Aw, nertz to you! You ain't so smart!" He used to wear that coat, you know, that coat. With the buttons on it?--Archibald Dogspaugh, Mt. Doom

Actor Herkermer "Gingerfoot" Johnston, whose career ended in alcoholism in 1943. Unless you mean that other guy.

I'm concerned about homosexuals in Hollywood and their homosexualist agenda of homosexualistism. Who, if anyone, is gay out there? And what can I do about it?--Ophelia Keister, Scotche Broome Eestatees

Reportedly seen at the ballet in 1962: Ernest Borgnine! Right-thinking heteros demand that Borgnine be restricted to supporting roles from here on in, lest his presence as a lead actor infect a new generation of youth. For years, Dennis Quaid has demonstrated an insufficient interest in blood sports. Fortunately, Charles Bronson is already dead.

I have a bet with my brother. He says Oscar-winning actress Clarisse Ptarmigan's first film was 1970's The Far Out Crash-Pad of Stanley J. Rabinowitz. I say it was Beezlebub's Bikers on Wheels (1971). Which one was it?--Lydia Lydecker, Mustang Ranch

You both lose. It was the Mitchell Brothers' Bride of the Burro (1969).

What do you think of the wave of "Cruciflicks," as they've been called, including the Mel Gibson-directed Jesus film to be released next year?--I.M. Notmann, Noroff, This Earth

Firstly, we're miffed that Brad Pitt wasn't cast in the lead; secondly, the film's set in Israel, 4 B.C., which had no mass communication. Why'd they choose such a backward time and such a strange land? Thirdly, we've been getting spoilers on this picture on the Internet. We don't need to know in advance that the main character dies horribly and rises from the grave. Whoever's been doing this, desist!

Is The Lord of the Rings based on a true story?--Stinky Weezleteets, Snipehuntsville

Yes. The firm of H. M. Sauron and Sons opened an iron foundry in Lincolnshire in 1912. Four local men from the nearby village of Hobbit, concerned about the pollution, egged on a half-wit named S.M. Eagol to steal a "ring" of keys, thus immobilizing the factory's gates. Meanwhile a barrister named Ranger Aragorn, Esq., sought a restraining order. After a short legal battle, the factory was shut down by order of Magistrate I. Gandalf of the lower court. All of this was amplified somewhat in Tolkien's novel, then into the overblown movies derived from it--a much hyped series of films far inferior to From Justin to Kelly.

You are my favorite critic. Who will win the best picture Oscar this year?--Waylon Crackbebe, the Unpacified Zone

The academy tends to favor films that feature violence followed by redemption. I feel certain that one particular movie--I can't be bothered to look up the title--will be the winner for best picture, thanks to this crucial scene: We see a smoking battlefield, as a survivor wanders in slow motion, wounded, smudged and staggering, as a chorale sings a doleful dirge. I doubt if anyone could get this scene out of his mind after seeing it! This film will certainly be the winner. I accept your praise as my due.

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From the January 8-14, 2004 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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