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Getting Inked

[whitespace] Your Name in the News

Immortality means different things to different people. But if it means getting your name in Silicon Valley's paper of record, we've got some tips.

There are a few sure-fire ways, of course, like commiting some heinous crime or building a home on an unstable hillside. The less costly methods are more subject to the whims of mercurial Mercury News scribblers.

First, dress like a homeless person and hang out in St. James Park in San Jose around Thanksgiving. When an earnest-looking yuppie with a long notebook starts chatting up the regulars, be friendly and talkative.

OK, so that seems like a lot of work for immortality. So if getting your name in the Merc is only a part-time occupation, try the following:

  • Write an essay on the topic "How Much I Love My Father," or anything about overcoming adversity, for the Silicon Valley Life section.

  • Write a letter to Gary Richards kvetching about the Montague Expressway.

  • Change your name to Al Niño.

  • Write a Letter to the Editor using the words diversity or multicultural.

  • Call columnist Chris Nolan and leave a message beginning: "For three summers I was Larry Ellison's intern."

  • Send Leigh Weimers a press release on anything.

Things not to do:

  • Refer to Merc owner Knight-Ridder as an "evil corporate giant."

  • Waste your time with Murry Frymer. He only quotes himself.

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From the March 5-11, 1998 issue of Metro.

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