[Metroactive Features]

[ Features Index | Silicon Valley | Metroactive Home | Archives ]

[whitespace] All That

This Too Shall Pass

Psycho Party! This Too's Week in Review

By Allie Gottlieb


While This Too lounged in our apartment eating Nutella, space shuttle Columbia astronauts John Grunsfeld and Rick Linnehan geared up for their mission's first space walk. The little stroll was scheduled to include "deploying the Axial Science Instrument Protective Enclosure Mini-Translation Aid," making This Too wonder if Nutella tastes better in space.


Sex is the new boom industry. According to the Sing Tao Daily, Bay Area prostitute rings are having their own little renaissance. Unemployed dotcommers everywhere readjusted their résumés.


Today, a tiny number of opportunists made a series of bad decisions for lazy South Bay nonvoters. First, this energetic minority passed several costly ballot measures. Then, they gave a bunch of middle-aged people the power to sit around waiting for the next batch of voter initiatives to make the laws for them. In our preferred world, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander freaked and left Anya and her demons at the altar, and this made much more sense to This Too.


This Too peeked out today only to be smacked in the wazoo again, when Attorney General John Ashcroft unveiled plans to recast the National Neighborhood Watch as a weapon against hometown terrorists. Ordinary citizens, Ashcroft announced, should turn in neighbors who, by regular-person calculations, show "terrorist tendencies." To try and make this plan more reassuring, Ashcroft teamed up with none other than Ed McMahon.

  • Also, a new approach to health care went public today, when Fort Worth cops arrested nurse's aide Chante Mallard for letting a guy she hit with her car stay lodged in her windshield in her garage and bleed to death. Ms. Mallard "apologized to the victim periodically," according to the Associated Press.


    At roughly 4:13pm, the California Highway Patrol lost its mind. Well, one of them did anyway. Today's incident happened while This Too was heading to our doctor for more Prozac. We were traveling with the herd on 280, going the minimum speed "limit" of 80 mph. Suddenly, a cop appeared. Instinctually, our herd adjusted its speed to ape the cop's. Ponch then confused the herd, by turning on his cop lights and veering across the four lanes. In some sort of control freakout, he repeated this offensive for about five minutes.

    Later, This Too's Significant Other informed us that Ponch was probably merely reacting to a road obstruction. Cops actually have a nickname for this maneuver: the round robin. Nevertheless, the incident did nothing to smooth This Too's tattered relationship with the California Highway Patrol.

  • Happily, American civilization caught a reprieve from lunacy today when the DEA failed to defend its irrational ban on hemp waffles in federal court. Hippies everywhere celebrated.

  • Sadly, This Too has discovered that God's gift to coffee is racist, according to ethnic news hub New California Media. "Almost 90 percent of African Americans and most Latinos, Asians, and Southern Europeans lack the genes necessary to digest lactose, the primary sugar in milk," reports author Shanti Rangwani. "The supposedly hip milk mustache is actually a creamy layer of mucus, live bacteria and pus."


    The week ends with a frightening message from the Church of Scientology, which infiltrated an ordinarily peaceful strip of San Jose today to warn passers-by about "the hoax of learning and behavior disorders." According to the Scientologists, psychiatrists are engaging in "widespread drugging of children with prescribed, mind-altering drugs." This Too selfishly worries about the bigger picture: that this might help cast drugs, which currently enjoy a good reputation, into a bad light, thus threatening our primary reason for existence.


    Ask The Santa Cruz Advice Dude!

    Dear Santa Cruz Advice Dude,

    Here's my problem: Every time I ask a girl on a date, I end up somehow insulting her. Like, I tried to ask this one chick to go see The Time Machine with me, but all that came out was "Will you have sex with me?" Dude, you gotta help!

    --Up a Creek in Cupertino

    Dear Up A,

    Dude, no problem! That's what beer is for! It's so easy--just bogart like two or three pints before you ask the girl out and whatever you say will seem charming and, like, suav-ay. It doesn't hurt to use French, like, "suav-ay," or "hola," also. And, dude, if she doesn't say yes, who cares? That's what BEER is for!

    --Peace out, SCAD

    What's your problem? The Santa Cruz Advice Dude can help! Write SCAD at Metro, 550 S First St, San Jose, CA 95113. Sponsorships from beer companies welcome.

    Political Makeover

    Don Gage

    Winning big as a Republican in a Demo redoubt means never having to say you're sorry, but that doesn't mean that Santa Clara County District 1 Supervisor Don Gage couldn't use a little primping around the edges.

    Mullet It Over

    What the forehead giveth away, the neckline taketh back. Even a victim of Male Pattern Baldness like Don "The Working Man's Friend" Gage can muster a protective collar roll that should cement his appeal with GOP faithfuls from Joe Six-Pack to Joe Dirt.

    Da Supe

    A snappy fedora worked wonders for Willie "Da Mayor" Brown, so why shouldn't the Donster pull down his brim and make like a 1940s gumshoe?

    Gagedalf the Grey

    It takes a great wizard to run right and still conjure up the support of the mighty Legions of Labor. Taking his cue from Ian McKellen, Don should embrace his inner ZZ Top and let his beard fulfill its destiny.

    I Saw You

    You're the reason I can't get any work done at my chosen coffee shop downtown. You talk too much, even though you've got nothing interesting to say. It was helpful to leave the office for coffee and a change of scene when I had extra work to do. But you ruined that option for me. Boasting that it's your spot, you go there every day. Well, I kept reading while you talked to me, hoping you'd shut up. Not only did you not close your yap, you called me a "hottie!" Get your fricken signals straight! No way!

    SEND us your anonymous rants, poetry or diatribes about your co-workers, bosses, enemies, ex-lovers or any ill-mannered, badly behaving citizen who you think is a valid representation of What's Wrong With This World.

    Send to:
    Informant, Metro
    550 South First, San Jose, CA 95113.

    [ Silicon Valley | Metroactive Home | Archives ]

  • From the March 14-20, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

    Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

    For more information about the San Jose/Silicon Valley area, visit sanjose.com.