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The Dork Aptitude Test

Section 1

Choose one.

1. You decorate your living room with:

  1. framed fine-art prints.
  2. framed posters of the Old Milwaukee Swedish Bikini Team.

2. You worship Shawn Kemp because:

  1. of his ability to combine grace and brute force on the basketball court.
  2. of the way he didn't beat you senseless the time you asked for his autograph and, in your excitement, threw up on his shoes.

3. Which TV personality projects your approximate level of style and charm?

  1. George Clooney
  2. Andy Rooney

4. Your last relationship failed because:

  1. she didn't understand you.
  2. she didn't understand why you had to leave the symphony early to make it home in time for Baywatch Nights.

5. Favorite Beatle:

  1. John, Paul, George
  2. Ringo

6. You hate telemarketers because

  1. they interrupt your dinner.
  2. they hang up on you.

7. The last time you visited an art museum, you were most impressed by:

  1. a touring exhibit of one of the great master's works.
  2. the very reasonable prices in the snack bar.

8. The first thing you do upon checking into a hotel room is:

  1. study the floor layout on the back of the door, so you'll know how to escape in an emergency.
  2. study the SpectraVision listings to find out if you've already seen the porn films.

9. You find yourself in an awkward position while dining with friends in a French restaurant: The sommelier has handed you the wine list, but you know nothing about wine. What do you do?

  1. Discreetly ask the sommelier to select an appropriate vintage.
  2. Ignore the wine list and order a round of Jell-O shots.

10. Favorite Sinatra:

  1. Frank
  2. Nancy

11. Which more closely describes a typical big night out for you?

  1. dinner and a show
  2. dinner, and showing your date why waiters citywide know you as "Mr. Chew-and-Screw"

12. Which more closely describes a night at the cinema for you?

  1. watching the movie with a friend, then going out for a few beers to talk about it
  2. watching the movie with a friend, and talking about it while drinking the beer you snuck in

13. Examine the ink blot. Which of the following phrases best describes the idea it represents to you?

  1. man's inhumanity to man
  2. two greased pigs doing the horizontal hula

14. You don't listen to alternative rock because:

  1. it's just reheated heavy metal.
  2. none of it's available on eight-track.

15. Before making love with a new partner, you...

  1. have a frank talk about sexually transmitted diseases.
  2. thank God you washed your sheets last fall.

16. The greatest influence on your life has been:

  1. a high school teacher who told you to pursue your dreams.
  2. the infomercial that convinced you to buy the Ginsu knives.

17. Which late-20th-century scientific development do you consider more important?

  1. the Mars meteorite
  2. stuffed-crust pizza

18. A genie appears to you and grants you one wish--anything you want. Which are you more likely to choose?

  1. world peace for eternity
  2. a free weekend pass to World of Waves

19. In high school, you were voted:

  1. Most Likely to Succeed.
  2. Most Likely to Die in a Hunting Accident.

20. At your 10-year high school reunion, classmates were amazed:

  1. by your success.
  2. that you hadn't died in a hunting accident.

Score one point for all "b" answers. Add 100 points to your score if you still haven't figured out that "b" was the wrong answer.

Section 2

Answer the following questions. Score one point for each "yes" response.

Have you have ever . . .

  1. backed into another car while talking on your cellular phone? (Add 10 points if you weren't driving a car at the time.)
  2. owned an AMC Pacer?
  3. named a pet dog "Snoopy"?
  4. referred to your wife or girlfriend as "my special lady"?
  5. been told that sucking toothpicks is "not cool"?
  6. used the word "negatory" instead of a simple "no"?

Do you . . .

  1. insist on ending the message on your answering machine tape with a selection from the first Van Halen album?
  2. go shirtless in public the instant the thermometer creeps above 70 degrees F?
  3. entertain your nephews by lighting up farts?
  4. blow your nose on cloth napkins?

Does your wardrobe include (add one point per item) . . .

  1. floral-print shirts, with really huge collars, made of petroleum-based synthetics?
  2. a white belt?
  3. a collection of leisure suits from the '70s, because you just know they're going to be back in style someday?
  4. any article of clothing bearing the Hard Rock Cafe logo (add one point for every
  5. dollar it cost in excess of $20)?
  6. mesh tank tops?
  7. running shorts cut so they reveal a little more of your thigh than anyone cares to see?
  8. Dingo boots?

Score one point for each of the following foods that can be found in your refrigerator or cupboard that you purchased for your own consumption.

  1. Cheez Whiz
  2. Lunchables
  3. Yoo-Hoo
  4. Ho OH's
  5. Count Chocula
  6. Gummi Bears
  7. Jagermeister or Schnapps


0 to 5 points: You aren't a dork. In fact, you really shouldn't be such a stuffed shirt. Cut in line at the supermarket. Pass wind in a crowded elevator. Park in the handicapped zone. Wear really large belt buckles.

5 to 15 points: You have dorkish tendencies. People generally like you, but talk behind your back is rampant. You are not beyond hope, but immediate action is necessary. Throw out all your Meatloaf CDs and remove the Pamela Anderson calendar from your cubicle. Today.

15 points or more: You are a dork. But then again, you've probably been hearing that all your life. Information about support groups can be obtained by contacting the International Dorks Institute for Observation, Therapy, and Self-help (IDIOTS). Good luck. And stay out of our neighborhood, would you?

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From the March 27-April 2, 1997 issue of Metro

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Copyright © 1997 Metro Publishing, Inc.