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Polis Report

Cell Out:
This just out--cellular phones cause accidents!

By Ami Chen Mills

Respected Researchers at the State University of New York have proof that chatting on the phone while you are driving can actually cause accidents--along with blow-drying your hair or playing bridge while motoring.

Not only that, but if you talk on the phone and drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, recite the sign-language alphabet or macrame at the same time, your chances for having an accident go up even more.

Thank God we have Respected Researchers to tell us important things we never knew--like, cigarette companies actually don't care about our health, and office workers with window views are happier! And thank God the news media is there to beat us about the head with discoveries like this, although no mention has been made to date as to how this startling phenomena might affect other drivers who have the good sense not to fight with spouses or negotiate business deals on the phone while driving.

"People with cellular phones run a higher risk of having an accident," the Mercury News reported. With whom? With other people with cellular phones?

Of course, the cellular phone industry is not going to stand by and watch as Respected Researchers and the news media kick their product around. The SUNY study, said an industry spokeswoman, "has glaring research shortcomings." She'll get back to us once she figures out what those are. We can hardly wait, as long as she doesn't call from her car phone.

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From the March 28-April 3, 1996 issue of Metro

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