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[whitespace] Show Your Colors

By Harmon Leon

THE THING I like best about large political conventions is the tie-in merchandise. Here are a few craaaaaazy items each party had on sale.

Republicans

George W. Bush Doll
Goddamn it, they actually have a George W. Bush doll that you can buy for $29.99. The weird thing is, they are selling this item without even a tinge of irony. In a box, similar to that which would hold Barbie, is a miniature replica of one of the most hated men on the planet. It gets better. If you push a button in the back of miniature George W. Bush's back, the doll will say George W. Bush catchphrases. I'd want my George W. Bush doll to constantly repeat "Mission accomplished!"

Funny Political Buttons
Republicans love funny political buttons that bash Democrats. Especially those that trumpet that Hillary Clinton is not very attractive in their eyes.

Here are a few of my favorites which were on hand to buy:

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"

This "funny" button showed a picture of George W. Bush, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, in that exact order.

"Village Idiot"

Simple and to the point, this "funny" button had an image of Hillary Clinton, creating the impression that the wearer does not, I repeat, does not like Hillary Clinton.

"No RINOs"

RINO stands for "Republicans In Name Only." The only thing Republicans hate more than Democrats is a liberal-leaning Republican and this "funny" button with the word "RINO" and a line through it emphasizes that point.

"Loserman"

Hey, everyone, do you remember the 2000 election with that whole punch-card thing that went on in Florida? Apparently, the wearer of this "funny" button feels that the Democrats were a big bunch of crybabies when they complained how George W. Bush stole the election in the state where his brother was governor. Damn stupid Democrat crybabies!

Clothing
Besides your normal campaign hats and T-shirts, there was the most amazing jacket I've ever seen. It was so amazing, in fact, that I decided to steal one. Retailing at $40, constructed of some incredibly cheap nylon/Gore-tex shell, this beauty is red, white and blue, covered with stars and simply says with no subtlety in bold letters on the back, "Re-elect President Bush." If you want to check out a jacket like the one I stole, simply go to www.LeslieJordan.com.

Democrats

'Got Kucinich?' T-shirt
This campaign T-shirt is absolutely hee-larious! No really. I'll explain. Remember the popular Got Milk? ads? Well, geez, it must have taken some creative genius all of seven seconds to come up with this diabolically original idea.

The Original Dean Deck of Cards
Remember in Iraq the "10 Most Wanted" deck of cards? Will this is just like that, but with people like Rush Limbaugh, Kenneth Lay and Ann Coulter, who the Dean campaign finds evil. It must have taken all of nine seconds to come up with this unique idea.


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From the March 31-April 6, 2004 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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