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Po This Too Shall Pass

Stupid Math

This Too's Week in Review

By Allie Gottlieb



MONDAY, APRIL 1

Today, This Too struggled with our annual April Fool's Day phobia. (It has to do with a cranky older family member, a little Vaseline on the toilet seat--and that's all we'll say.) Since our energy was tied up in avoiding the paths of menacing pranksters, we defer to an international spokesperson for today's entry--the United States Embassy in Stockholm, Sweden, which describes our national holiday as follows:

"Today, Americans play small tricks on friends and strangers alike on the first of April. One common trick on April Fool's Day, or All Fool's Day, is pointing down to a friend's shoe and saying, 'Your shoelace is untied.' Teachers in the 19th century used to say to pupils, 'Look! A flock of geese!' and point up. School children might tell a classmate that school has been canceled. Whatever the trick, if the innocent victim falls for the joke the prankster yells, 'April Fool!' ... Putting salt in the sugar bowl for the next person is not a nice trick to play on a stranger."

Also Not a Nice Trick: Blowing away your two daughters, your husband and yourself with a .38.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2

Members of the animal kingdom are making martyrs of themselves for the sheer purpose of inconveniencing their oppressors. According to NPR's All Things Considered, Midwestern deer are transmitting a contagious neurological disorder called Chronic Wasting Disease. Wisconsin hunters feel terrorized by the deer's willful sharing of the head disease, which threatens to ruin the state's only claim to a cultural identity: dear-hunting season. God knows, it's no fun to shoot a mental deer.

On the brighter side, This Too is happy to share some good news. This is huge! Palo Alto renters get to live in their apartments for a whole year, a San Jose appellate court says in today's bombshell ruling reaffirming tenants' right to a yearlong lease. Finally Palo Altites can really settle down.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3

This Too is home sick with disgusting flu requiring three boxes of tissues and generous application of Teletubby reruns. Nothing happened in the rest of the world.

THURSDAY, APRIL 4

Today, This Too stands in victorious solidarity with lazy rich kids everywhere. As reported by Rome's La Repubblica, 29-year-old Marco Andreoli, who hasn't yet found the right job, won a lawsuit against his father, Giuseppe, for his $658 monthly allowance. Never again will sons and daughters have to suffer silently the sting of having silver spoons ripped from their mouths.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5

The week comes squealing to an end with buttloads of people somberly mourning over death. Sure, there's been a lot of death lately, but these particular people were actually grieving over one 101-year-old rich lady who was probably bathed by young shirtless boys in tubs bigger than the entire West Bank. England's Queen Mother, R.I.P.

Also, Oprah stops reading, urges her millions of viewers to do the same. It's too hard to find compelling books, she tells The New York Times. You go, girl!

SATURDAY, APRIL 6

Today in 1917, the U.S. did something old-fashioned. It formally declared war before invading Germany. Ah, World War I. This Too recalls that quaint time when actually declaring war before attacking was de rigueur.

Also, California's own arbiter of a woman's place, Barbara Boxer, strikes out by publicly renouncing female suicide bombers, as reported in papers across the country today. "We must not turn away from a shocking and new form of terror in the region--Palestinian female suicide bombers," Boxer wrote in a March 29 letter to top Palestinian female Dr. Hanan Ashrawi and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. This Too concurs. Clearly the violence has gotten out of hand: first deer, now women.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7

This Too's greatest fear is realized--We had to do math! That's right, tax day. What's worse, after we did lots of math!, all we learned was that we are just slightly above the poverty level. Math sucks ass.


Terror Watch 2002

On April 4, in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush announced, "Everyone must choose: you're either with the civilized world or you're with the terrorists." Here are some perks for each side to help you pick.

Terrorists, Arguments For:

  • No one's the boss of you.

  • You get to play with fire.

  • You can blow yourself up for the cause, thereby escaping work assignments.

  • You're not expected to bother with boring diplomatic negotiations.

    Civilized World, Arguments For:

  • You can drink tea.

  • Your side gets U.S. funding.

  • You get to play with tanks.

  • You're not expected to stick to boring diplomatic treaties.

    Celebrity Unmakeovers

    Ever since Jennifer Grey and Crocodile Dundee's careers fell flat following ill-advised plastic surgery, celebrities have been rethinking their face lifts. "I just felt like it was becoming too unbelievable," a chastened Cher reflected in a recent diary entry on her website. "I mean, here I was, 62 years old, and I looked like I was in school with Britney Spears!" Cher's decision to let her face return to normal is sparking a trend: reverse cosmetic surgery. All over Hollywood, clinics are dumping the Botox, loosening the latex and proving once again that the eyebrow pencil is mightier than the scalpel. Here's a look at some of the results.

    MICHAEL JACKSON

    Before After

    CHER

    Before After

    ROD STEWART

    Before After

    JOAN RIVERS

    Before After


    I Saw You

    I saw you walking through Spartan Village on the San Jose State University campus, and I think you are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen. You were with a friend; I heard him call you Michael or Miguel. You were tall, dark-haired and dark-eyed, wearing a dark blue shirt. You said something about having to get your bike fixed, and you looked up into the sky and said, "I need the sunshine like a cat." I just want you to know that someone out there thinks you're purrrfect.


    SEND us your anonymous rants, love notes, or diatribes about your co-workers, bosses, enemies, secret crushes, or any badly behaving citizen who gets your dander up. Send to: I SAW YOU, Metro, 550 South First, San Jose, 95113, or .


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  • From the April 11-17, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

    Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

    For more information about the San Jose/Silicon Valley area, visit sanjose.com.




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