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Biter

Sole Gazing

Biter doesn't get 'Lucky' at Macy's Valley Fair

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Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?
--Elaine, in 'The Shoes' episode of 'Seinfeld'

DID YOU KNOW that ruffles around the arm go with the theme of spring? Or that ankle straps are huge this season? Or that combinations of black and white are red hot all over women's fashion right now?

Well, neither did we. But boy did we find out.

Lucky Magazine, that famous advertising tome disguised as a periodical, held a fashion show last Saturday in the women's section at Macy's Valley Fair. Nine West and Star 101.3 sponsored the event. Admittedly, we were bowled over to learn that Nine West actually manufactured something besides shoes. We thought products like round toes, T-straps, wood bottoms and sport casuals made up the bulk of their inventory. We had no idea they also made purses, jewelry and sunglasses. You learn something new every day.

Whatever you think about fashion--good or bad--it's something you can't ignore. Unfortunately. That being said, we graciously found the time in our busy Saturday schedule to invade the fashion show for 45 minutes. We hadn't gone people watching at the mall in quite a while, so it was about time to infiltrate the place once again.

Now, except for an occasional rampage through the cosmetics department to check out the retail babes at the Sisheido counter, Biter hardly ever goes to Macy's, or at least to the women's store. We were overwhelmed by the omnipresence of bubbly teenagers, mascara, big shoes, disco and way too many signs that read, "florals." We had totally forgotten what it's like at Valley Fair on a Saturday. But once we found the women's shoe department at Macy's, our genetic predisposition to objectify women's footwear immediately took over. How different would the world be if men had 80,000 shoe styles to choose from, we asked ourselves. We couldn't hazard a guess.

What we do know, however, is that if you plug the word "shoe" into the thesaurus of Microsoft Word for Windows, the closest alphabetical entry that comes up is "shock absorber."

Paige Sachs from Lucky Magazine emceed the spring fashion show, introducing models in 3/4 sleeve jackets with white piquets, while a seemingly bored DJ spun thumping tunes about late-night booty calls and shiny disco balls. The models pranced passively around the floor of the Macy's women's shoe department in their spring sportswear, while Sachs told onlookers how to "workhorse their wardrobes." Since Biter pretty much has the wardrobe of a workhorse, we dismissed such ridiculous advice out of hand.

We also tried to scam a free Lucky T-shirt, but they wouldn't give us one. And we almost knocked over a display rack of laundry petites while gawking at model Hillary in her "very casual fun weekend look." What the hell "laundry petites" are, we'll never know.

Several prizes were available at the fashion show, including a "Hot 9 Card" that gets you several discounts on spa treatments, beauticians, flower shops, yoga and more. To top it all off, the grand prize was a nine-minute shopping spree from Nine West and Lucky Magazine.

Nine minutes? It takes Biter nine minutes just to untie our shoes sometimes, for crying out loud.

After absorbing the shock of it all, we made a final cruise past the Sisheido counter before escaping out into the mall, in the process barely avoiding a head-on collision with a herd of retail employees in white Lancôme jackets. Flashing back to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, we began to run.


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From the April 24-30, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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