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Old Woman Biter

Old Voices


ALL THAT INVITES letters to Old Voices, an occasional feature devoted to the views of older readers. If you are very old and want your opinion to be heard on any issue, send your comments to:

    Old Voices
    550 S. First St.
    San Jose, 95113

Space is limited; don't ramble but do include your age, name and address. If you still can handle a pen, please sign your letter.

Accelerate Global Warming

It warms my cockles when I hear that President Bush is planning to accelerate global warming. Being a dutiful American, I intend to help his efforts and hereby encourage all patriotic citizens, young and old, to help by farting at least 20 times per day. Farts are hot, y'know. If possible, fart in the direction of Washington, D.C. ... or phone the White House and fart into your cell phone.

Another tactic: Those penguins slipping off the Antarctic ice shelves--why not teach them to fart? I tell you, fart power is the coming thing. It's patriotic ... it's environmentally correct ... and, heavens, it's fun. Couple fart power with the winds emanating from the White House, and we may not save the planet, but we'll be a lot warmer when the winter comes.

--Stephanos Amadeos, 87, Westerly Gales Home for the Very Old, Los Gatos

Don't Print Younger Brother's Letter

My younger brother is sending your publication a letter he wrote that contains deplorable bathroom humor. I urge you not to print it.

Beyond merely being distasteful, I believe that Stephanos is doing a great disservice to senior citizens. He is misrepresenting us as silly people out of touch with reality and current events. Furthermore, he uses the word, "cockles." He has never uttered that world in his life.

Now, it seems, he is using outdated locution before an audience just to downplay his astuteness, or something to that effect. I'm gravely concerned that the result will be to help reaffirm to your readers the incorrect stereotype that elder people are drooling idiots. We are not!

I, for one, am an active, intelligent, critical thinker. Up until now, I thought Stephanos was, too. I play chess, read The New York Times and am a wiz at the Friday crossword puzzle, and I know almost every answer to NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me quiz show.

I'm not alone. I encounter plenty of sharp senior citizens at the monthly book club discussions. We don't babble senselessly about politics. Rather, we have enlightened conversations about existentialism in Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment and social disenfranchisement in Ralph Waldo Ellison's Invisible Man.

In the interest of truth in reporting, I trust your publication will do the right thing here. Don't let one very bad apple ruin it for the rest of us. By the way, Stephanos doesn't live in an old-folks home. He lives with me, and has since his wife caught him flirting with my golf caddy.

--Wolfgang Amadeos, 92, Los Gatos

Kids Won't Leave

We, as parents, all hope that as we age, our children will have some time for us. But when we say "some time," we mean it. Our kids have been complaining since they could talk about not wanting to be told what to do. It's always, "I'll take the trash out later" or "I can download this man-on-man action literature myself."

Well, I guess my three grown children will relate when I say, Leave us alone! Your father and I did our job. Now, we've got our own things to do--repairs on the house, travel plans, looking for a retirement home (so, when we do need our diapers changed, professionals will do it right). You're raised, already. Scram!

--Delfina Martinez, 78, Palo Alto


Knock Knock Jokes From Philosophical Belief Systems Around The World

Existential Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
Who knows?

Nihilistic Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.

Feminist Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
OK, let's just stop and consider the male hegemonies underpinning this "knock knock" stuff. Knockers? Getting knocked up? It's so obviously sexist.

Post-Feminist Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Paradigm.
Paradigm who?
Pair 'a dig my knockers!

Extortionist Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Five dollars, and I'll go away.

Laissez-Faire Capitalist Knock Knock Joke:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Five dollars, and I'll go away.


Shirt

Fashion Makeover

Last week, Abercrombie & Fitch got in some hot water for carrying some, shall we say, culturally insensitive T-shirts. The shirts were supposed to be kitschy throwbacks to old advertisements. One depicted two Asians with cartoonishly slanted eyes and conical hats, advertising the "Wong Brothers Laundry Service," with the slogan, "Two Wongs Can Make It White."

In response to public pressure, Abercrombie & Fitch have pulled the shirts, but here at Metro we think they need to go farther. Why not produce shirts that insult everyone--a kind of insult affirmative action? Here are some suggestions:

Shirt

Fraternity Brain Trust Shirt
"Two Bongs Can Make a Night"

Shirt

Ugly American Tourist Shirt
"Little White Lies, Big White Ass"

Shirt

Immigrant Farmworker Shirt
"Bean There: Go Pick Your Own Fucking Salad"

Shirt

Suicide Bomber Airlines Shirt
"Deplane! Deplane!"


Illustration
Illustration by Jumma Jahdid

I Saw You: Class Dunce

You're always spouting off in class, telling personal stories or making a point off the subject. You're wasting my damn time. You may not be concerned about the education I'm paying for, but for fuck's sake, can't you go during office hours and ask your inane questions? I should pass out rain gear to the people around me because, I swear to God, my head is going to explode the next time you raise your hand. You think you know more than everyone because you are 33 and older than most people here. You don't! You are just an overinflated ex-bouncer blowhard. Shut the fuck up!


SEND us your anonymous rants, love notes, or diatribes about your co-workers, bosses, enemies, secret crushes, or any badly behaving citizen who gets your dander up. Send to: I SAW YOU, Metro, 550 South First, San Jose, 95113, or .


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From the May 2-8, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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