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[whitespace] Cameron Diaz A Little Too Perfect: Cameron Diaz' smile launched a thousand conspiracy theories.

Cameron Diazamatic

Cameron Diaz, the ultimate girl of summer has a smile that could fritz a thousand blissful minds

By Traci Vogel

I USUALLY RESIST celebrity worship. Why fawn over Hollywood, anyway? Celebrities are exactly like you and me, perhaps enjoying better dental care and seven people to blow-dry their hair in the morning, but still, they're human beings, and they wake up with crusty eyes and rumbling stomachs and probably talk about boring things while waiting at a red light, just like the rest of us.

Except, that is, for Cameron Diaz. I have decided that it's OK to get all googly-eyed and drooly over Cameron Diaz because she's not a human being. She's not even a celebrity. The truth is (brace yourself!), Cameron Diaz is an adorable, pixie-headed, supertalented alien. Yes, as in, from outer space.

What else could explain Diaz' sudden leap upon the scene in 1994's The Mask seemingly out of nowhere, and her innate ability to hold her comic own against Jim Carrey (also, possibly, an alien), while radiating the most mind-bendingly sexy comic intelligence to appear onscreen since Marilyn Monroe?

Then, as if she realized that this sudden spectacular emergence might undo the small minds of us Homo sapiens, Diaz proceeded, after her debut success, to take an entire year off from acting. She told members of the press that she felt it was necessary to take acting classes (she had never stepped foot--or tentacle--in an acting class before), but I'm sure access to classified CIA documents would prove that Diaz was in reality completing her biomorphic transformation from space creature to Gidget-like human being.

Which brings me to Diaz's freakishly appealing physical appearance. Not only do her blue eyes and perfect smile glow like Hollywood neon, they actually function as dangerous secret weapons on a par with laser beams and satellite technology. Experiments have proven that the destructive capability of Diaz' smile ranges around 700 kilometers, about the same range as a Russian Scud missile.

Want more proof? OK, then! Why, I ask you, is it that Diaz almost never seems to be in a serious real-life relationship? I'll tell you why! Because she sucks the brain tissue right out of those who love her! How many times have you been watching a Cameron Diaz movie, only to glance over halfway through to witness gray stuff oozing from your companion's orifices, his or her gaze a glazed mixture of dumbfoundedness and adoration? Or, to your horror, to feel your own ear welling up with goo? It has happened to me, too. This is the truth about Cameron Diaz: She is stealing our intelligence through the advanced alien technology of hilarious stupid movies.

Take her latest, The Sweetest Thing. Fiendishly modeled on her previous campaign, There's Something About Mary, The Sweetest Thing unleashes more of the gross-out jokes that cause her fans to crumple over with hysterical laughter, tongues lolling with helpless lust. In fact, The Sweetest Thing is the perfect stupid summer movie even if it came out in spring: It's got bumbling but beautiful main characters who appear in their underwear, it's got dancing and it's got birth control jokes.

Diaz has sexy stupidity down to such an art that, even though she's only 29, she has already twice played herself (an honor usually reserved for ex-presidential candidates and Woody Allen), in the movie Slackers and the TV show Space Ghost Coast to Coast." ("Space Ghost"--see?)

Yes, it's true that this mesmerizing otherworlder can also play serious roles: She excelled as Julie in the excruciatingly intellectual Vanilla Sky and has a small part in the upcoming historical drama Gangs of New York. But it's in using her blonde headgear and alien-large eyes in comedy that she has been truly lethal.

What's more, Diaz' nefarious ability to crack people up while turning them on carries over to her "real" life--recently, she won a burping contest sponsored by Nickelodeon, beating out both men and women, all of whom succumbed with unnatural good grace. What better proof of alienhood is there than Cameron Diaz' brilliant but unholy advancement of burping as flirting?

And then there is this: Gossip columns report that Diaz will only wash her face with Evian. Does this not sound suspiciously like some sort of Superman/Kryptonite thing, except with water?

Pardon me now while I fax this to the CIA. I don't want to ask them to expose Cameron Diaz or to capture her for experiments--I want them to send for more of her kind. The earth needs more extraterrestrial comic relief.

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From the May 16-22, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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