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Life of The Party

It's getting late for the Coalition of the Willing

By Richard von Busack

SPAIN! Spaiiiiiiiiin! Spainster! I love you. You know what I call this nation? I call it "The Bullfighter Republic." Toro! Because, you know, when you got a bull problem, some bull causing you grief, you know exactly who to call. I love this nation, man, I don't care who knows it. Wouldn't be a Coalition of the Willing without Spain, no way.

What? Whaddya mean, you're calling it a night?

C'mon, Spain, we need ya here. We're just starting up. C'mon, I can talk to you. We go back. Not like those Ukrainians and Romanians and Bulgarians and whatnot we got in the other room, here.

What? Your voters told you to go home? Your voters??!? Oh, what are you, voter-whipped? C'mon, put me on the phone. I'll talk to 'em. I'll make an excuse for ya. I'll talk for five minutes if I have to. C'mon. Olay! Huh, olay! Remember that time we got into it in 1898? You want that again, don't provoke me.

Oh, fine, then, go on home, Spain, we don't need ya.


Honduras! Hondurassss! How's the old banana republic hanging, hombre? Great party, huh? I think those Basra babes really take to you, dude. They can't resist the Loose Goose from Tegucigalpa. Doesn't this kick ass on those boring old border conflicts with Belize? Par-tay!

What? You've got to get up early tomorrow?! Tomorrow's Saturday, Honduras. Come on, stick around. Look, you can show up late for your dumbass Organization of American States softball game--hey, we haven't even played Trial of the Dictator yet!

OK, OK, I understand. Peace out, Honduras. Jesus.

Hey! Dominican Republic, don't think you can sneak out without saying goodbye to the host, man. Haw, you owe me, man. Wasn't for me, you'd probably be speaking Cuban right now. How about this setup, huh? Pretty wild. Intense, huh? I thought, what would the Dominican Republic want to see in a party, and it came to me: Arabian Nights theme! I thought, you know who loves this stuff, these turbans and camels and shit? The Dominican Republic.

And now you're leaving. Bastard. You want what your neighbor Haiti got? It can be arranged.

Nah, I'm just joking with ya, just pulling your chain. Vaya con Dios, buddy. See ya at the U.N.

Man, that's what I like to see. Poland and Japan standing tall, shoulder to shoulder. The party twins, man. I know there was some bad blood between you guys in the old days. Do you see Germany here? You do not. No, man, no more invitations for him. They used to say he was hatched out of a cannonball, but it seems more like a friggin' dove's egg these days. He settled down, man. Wild days are all over. But you guys, you know. It's like they always say: If Poland is for us, who can be against us?

Aw, man, Thailand, I thought I could count on you. I told Canada, I said, the U.K. and Thailand'll be there till sunup. They'll close the party down. Damn, Canada didn't even show up--said he had a headache--and now you're cutting out. It's just gonna be me and England, hanging out, pounding 'em down, and talking about how we sorted out Hitler back in the day.

That's cool. No, really, I'm not mad. Really, my face just gets this red because of my hypoglycemia. I mean, I went to all this expense. I don't ordinarily spend $86 billion on a party, you know. I mean, you people think I'm made of money, but this was like, special, you know? I did this for all you guys, it was all for you guys and now you're cutting out early.


Someone put on a record, OK?

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From the May 19-25, 2004 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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