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Biter: Form Letter Generator

WRITING A letter to the editor can be a boring, thankless task, and yet it is a civic duty that many of us feel we should undertake more often. Technology has improved this chore a little (now, you don't have to worry about finding a stamp--you can just email!), but there remains the boring process of writing, of having to wrack your brain for insults or for that unclichéd compliment.

But, wait! Now scientists have discovered the solution to this age-old problem in something called a "Form Letter to the Editor Generator."

These forms make writing a letter to the editor seem both quick and creative. With some small variations, you can use the forms for almost any article by the writers mentioned! So get your pens out, and get ready to [ACTIVE VERB]!

FORM LETTER NO. 1:

Dear Metro,

I just read Todd Inoue's latest music review, and I think it's totally [ADJECTIVE]. What does he know about [NOUN], anyway? Maybe [ADJECTIVE] people think that Inoue's some sort of [NOUN], but I know he's really a [GERUND] [GERUND] [INSULT IN ALL CAPS UNDERLINED TWICE]! My friends and I have been listening to [SEMI-POPULAR BAND] since [YEAR] and recognized the influence of [OBSCURE GERMAN RECORD PRODUCER] long before any [SLOW-MOVING ANIMAL]-type critics. Besides, everyone knows that band member [NICKNAME THAT RHYMES WITH "TAXABLE"] originally played with [NAME OF OBSCURE BAND THAT ONLY PLAYED ONCE, IN NORWAY] before joining [BAND NAME], so to say that his playing style is [ADJECTIVE] is just like comparing [ROUND FRUIT] to [OTHER ROUND FRUIT, DIFFERENT COLOR].

Anyway, your [ADJECTIVE] paper is only good for lining the cages of [PHYLUM OF STINKY ANIMAL].

Sincerely,

[NAME], [CITY]

FORM LETTER NO. 2:

Dear Editor,

What is Richard von Busack's problem? Was he dropped on his [BODY PART] when he was a baby? His [ADJECTIVE] [ANOTHER ADJECTIVE] review of first-time director Topher [FUNNY LAST NAME]'s film My Sensitive Summer shows that von Busack's in need of a good [MEDICAL PROCEDURE]. My Sensitive Summer was [ADVERB] [NOUN]! My girlfriend and I [PHYSICAL REACTION, PAST TENSE] three times during the first five minutes of the film alone! Actress [WILDFLOWER] [NAME OF STATE WEST OF THE CONTINENTAL DIVIDE] deserves [ABSURDLY LARGE NUMBER] of Oscars for her performance as a [SOME KIND OF BLUE-COLLAR JOB] worker with [SUBSTANCE-ABUSE PROBLEM] and [PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA]. This movie was like [SOME ANOTHER MOVIE TITLE] on [A MIND-ALTERING DRUG]! I think von Busack should be subjected to [SOME HARSH PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT]!

Sincerely,

[FUNNY FIRST NAME] [EVEN FUNNIER LAST NAME], [FUNNY ACADEMIC TITLE] in [FUNNY ACADEMIC DISCIPLINE], [CITY]

FORM LETTER NO. 3:

Dear Sirs,

Normally I don't write letters to newspapers. However, after reading [TITLE OF PROVOCATIVE, EXPERTLY CRAFTED METRO ARTICLE] I'm so [BIG EMOTION] that I'm writing this one. Your news coverage is [ADJECTIVE STARTING WITH F, ENDING IN -ING] [ADJECTIVE WITH EFFECTIVE AROMA]. I love the way you take [CHOOSE SUBJECT: MAYORS, REDEVELOPMENT, PRIESTS, LAID-OFF DOTCOMMERS, CROSS-DRESSERS] to task. Clearly, [NAME OF CUTE AND SMART METRO WRITER] deserves the Pulitzer Prize. I am using my form letter to send a petition to the prize committee immediately.

Yours truly,

[FIRST INITIAL] [LAST NAME OF CLOSE RELATIVE OF METRO WRITER, PLUS "JR." OR "THE THIRD"], [MT. VIEW]


Super White Male Friends

Super White Male Friends

ROME-- In what is reportedly a huge move for some of mankind, on May 28 Russia joined certain other countries also situated beside the North Atlantic to form a more perfect international union of middle-aged white men. The new alliance expands NATO (which stands for No Africans Today Or ever) by adding a NATO-Russia Council. Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters he was very excited about his new world power buddies/Friends co-watchers.

All that commie stuff is finally in the past, and the Cold War is over, now that trailblazer President George W. Bush has given in to the peaceniks and worked out a deal with Russia to cut down on the "nucular" weapons. NATO Secretary General George Robertson explained the source of the friendship: "There is a common enemy out there," he told the media, "and they are--oh, hey, does anybody have some sunscreen?"


Celebrity Makeover

Terilyn Joe

Imagine it: You've been working late, and you're rudely awakened by a strange, incessant noise--something between a BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and a CHUGGACHUGGA--coming from right below your apartment window. Even your Neiman Marcus earplugs won't block it out, and you want to sleep, damn it. What do you do?

If you're KNTV co-anchor Terilyn Joe, you yank open your refrigerator, haul out the produce and start flinging. Last week, Ms. Joe hurled eggs and tomatoes at maintenance workers who were using chain saws outside her apartment at 11:30am. Showing no empathy for the news-addled diva, the workers' manager filed a police complaint. Makeover figures Ms. Joe could use a little damage control. Forget that temper tantrum stuff--meet the real Ms. Terilyn Joe.

Bad Hair Terilyn Joe

You Don't Know Bad Hair

You see, this explains it. If your hair looked like this when you woke up, you'd be in a bad mood, too. It might look easy being a news diva, but Ms. Joe patiently endures the ministrations of an entire army of gel warriors in preparation for her day. The humanity.

Mrs. Incredible Egg Terilyn Joe

Mrs. Incredible Egg

Few people know it, but Terilyn Joe is actually married to the Incredible Edible Egg mascot, who is known as "Ed" to his close friends and relatives. "I have always loved eggs," she says. "Many of my friends are eggs--well, you can see for yourself. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt an egg."

Fashionista Terilyn Joe

Blue-Collar Fashionista

Another little-known fact about Joe is that she is the creator of a line of visionary fashion products that, as she says, "Give a little bit of a 'shoutout' to our dirtier, noisier working brethren." "Those tomatoes were just a snack offering!" she insists. "I love chain saws!"


I Saw You: Modern Parent

Illustration by Jumma Jahdid
Illustration by Jumma Jahdid

I saw you neurotically trying to stop your child from the possibility of upsetting anyone or getting hurt. I saw you popping pills in his mouth rather than look like the ever elusive "bad person" by spanking him at sacred and brilliant moments. I heard you whining like you two were on the same wrong level, and I saw his time-worn disinterest in your boring, plastic, fear-based life. I saw you despise your parental role as the playground session dragged. You, all the while reminding him that time was almost up. I saw you ponder the meaning of this anti-fun! And I wished to get to know you and, yes, help you. Alas, I didn't reach out, but my child rides quite often without the child seat and seat belt as he marvels at the rush of the neighborhood winds or the fast-moving pavement just below and I love him very much.


SEND us your anonymous rants, love notes, or diatribes about your co-workers, bosses, enemies, secret crushes, or any badly behaving citizen who gets your dander up. Send to: I SAW YOU, Metro, 550 South First, San Jose, 95113, or email isawyou@metronews.com.


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From the June 6-12, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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