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Franka Potente
Euro Love: Run, Lola, run to us!

This Too Shall Pass: The Week in Review

Monday, June 10

TIME MAGAZINE reported today that President W.'s assistant secretary of health and human services for children and families, WADE HORN, thinks MARRIED PEOPLE SHOULD GET SPECIAL PRIVILEGES. Using fascinating logic, Horn proposes to pay poor people to stay in bad (or any) marriages because it is "moral and cost-efficient." Time noted in its report that "no one knows" whether the government can successfully force people to stay together, adding that cowboy Horn thinks it's worth a shot (and $300 million in taxpayer funds). Horn's marriage-bribery policy displeases This Too, as we are not married. We feel that we should be paid as well because, while technically we are single, we're are not that bright and have stayed far too long in many a DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP, which surely qualifies us for something.

Tuesday, June 11

This Too's resolve to again ride our Lil' Rascal with DYKES ON BIKES was renewed today, as the Grand Old Party flexed its senatorial muscle to block a proposed expansion of HATE CRIME LAWS. Performing violence against women, homosexuals and the disabled still doesn't legally equal hatred. You see, in Republicanland, slapping a gay person is like saying, "Hello."

Wednesday, June 12

FURTHERMORE! Thanks to this week's Southern Baptists' convention, This Too is now informed that most of our problems can be traced to plain old misplaced tolerance. According to the REV. JERRY VINES of the First Baptist Church of Jacksonville, Fla., the United States is suffering from RELIGIOUS PLURALISM (a pernicious liberal doctrine that other people's gods aren't just cheap fetish objects), especially when it comes to ISLAM. The Rev. J.V. then went on to set history straight by noting that Mohammed was a "DEMON-POSSESSED PEDOPHILE who had 12 wives--and his last one was a 9-year-old girl." Attorney General John Ashcroft promised to investigate, saying, "There's no statute of limitations on prophets."

ALSO, This Too's wrists started to ache when we read about the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals' ruling that a reporter whose CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME prevents her from typing for more than half an hour or writing for more than five minutes is not considered disabled. To the next malingerer who misses a deadline around here, we'll be sure to say, "That's why our non-demon-possessed, nonpedophile God gave us 10 good toes--get back to work."

Thursday, June 13

Reeding, ritering and rithmaticks--they just get easier and easier. The New York Times reported today that many states, in order to ensure that their teachers meet federal standards, have been "DEFINING QUALITY DOWNWARD." California, always at the forefront of educational movements, now administers a BASIC EDUCATIONAL SKILLS TEST for teachers that is set at the 10TH-GRADE level. At last, full employment for high school dropouts.

Perhaps the bar-lowering exercise cited above explains why students at SAN LORENZO VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL recently put their alma mater up for SALE ON EBAY. Bidding on the mountain school soared to nearly $100 million before wet blankets at the online auction house nixed the prank. Said one teacher exiting the annual Basic Educational Skills Test, "Wow! $100 million! If you had 10 people and gave each one a million ... no, wait, if you had a million people and gave each on a buck ... hold on, I'll get it. Give me a minute."

Ear Friday, June 14

Today, big news from the "Too Much Information" file. Scientists at the UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT IRVINE have solved the ancient mystery of WHAT CAUSES EARWAX (a question, the San Jose/Silicon Valley Business Journal claims, that has been "pondered by many from Shakespeare to the Discovery Channel"). It turns out that, like so much else, earwax production is genetically controlled. Furthermore, the glands that secrete earwax are the same glands (part of a family called "apocrine glands") that produce sweat in the armpits and contribute to BODY ODOR. This Too's reaction is a highly scientific "Ew!"

Saturday, June 15

Nothing much happened today, aside from the opening of AMERICA'S FIRST OFFICIAL MUSEUM OF SPAM, in Austin, Minn. The museum reportedly features a mock assembly line where visitors can practice packing Spam into cans.

Sunday, June 16

Tonight, This Too went to see The Bourne Identity, and we are now smitten with a European-sized crush on actress FRANKA POTENTE, who plays Matt Damon's love interest, Marie. Sure, we thought she was sexy in Run Lola Run, but watching Potente outact Matt Damon while squeezed into prototypical Hollywood-Eurotrash black leather just cemented our slavish adoration.

Our crush on Potente, however, was overridden by an outburst by an anonymous audience member. During the love scene, when Damon's amnesiac character finally ends up in bed with Marie, a male voice in the movie house piped up, "Oh yeah, IT'S ALL COMIN' BACK TO YOU NOW, ain't it?" Anonymous audience member, will you marry us so we can ride off into the sunset with our government marital bribe?


Illustration by Jumma Jahdid

I Saw You: Ex-Friend

You little bug-eyed, trailer park trash, midget-ass, walking, talking dick. I saw you right outside my work, too pussy to come in and say something. We used to be friends, but fact is I never could stand you, or your sister you seemed a little too close to. What, do you have an Oedipus complex? You know, that little radio incident by the pool is just the excuse I needed to get rid of you. NO ONE LIKES YOU. You talk too damn much. You bug people. You're like a yeast infection. You just won't go away. Goodbye and good riddance.

SOMETHING bugging you? Send your anonymous rants, secret crushes, complaints, gossip, etc. to: I SAW YOU, Metro, 550 South First, San Jose, 95113, or

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From the June 20-26, 2002 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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