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[whitespace] Gemini Wonder Twin Trouble

TheFirstTwins.com makes the Bush presidency a little easier to bear

By Mary Spicuzza

SOME SAY that the infamous drinking habits of Jenna and Barbara Bush aren't news and rant about how the privacy of the first family needs to be respected. Or, worse yet, media-types spend half of each report on the latest alcohol bust involving George W.'s daughters debating whether they should even be talking about it at all.

"That is one of the reasons I have turned to tabloids for information over the past year," TheFirstTwins.com creator Rudy Rucker writes. "National Enquirer doesn't ask, 'Is this news?' They know it is and so does TheFirstTwins.com!"

Thankfully this San Francisco-based web super-genius, also founder of Monkeybrains.net, wastes no time pontificating about twin privacy. Nor does he try to turn the Bush girls' penchant for margarita-slurping and beer-guzzling into some larger symbol of underage drinking in America.

Instead he has made his "unofficial First Twins website" into a gossipmonger's best friend, complete with photos, rumors and the 19-year-old twins' attractiveness ratings on the infamous hotornot.com website. (Barbara currently scores a 9, while Jenna trails slightly with an 8.4.)

Current features include an impressive array of sources, from Newsweek and TheSmokingGun.com to a link for a Weekly World News article detailing how a bizarre half-man/half-bat creature known as Bat-Boy has fallen in love with Jenna Bush.

"This type of fictional story is a good measure of how far the twins have penetrated into pop culture," Rucker muses.

Photos include the now classic shot of Texas sorority girl Jenna toppling over a friend, cigarette in hand, as well as rarer glimpses at Barbara's fake "Maryland" ID and the mug shot of Jenna's beau, William Bridges, who was tossed in jail for underage drinking--until the Secret Service came to his rescue.

Delightfully juicy tidbits of gossip show that Rucker is a foremost authority on the Bush teen queens' adventures. For example, party girl Jenna, voted "most likely to trip on prom night" in high school, may lead with three citations while the more serious Barbara, voted "most likely to appear on the cover of Vogue," so far only has one. But after impressive investigative snooping, TheFirstTwins reports that Barbara has had two "known narrow escapes" involving a fake ID and speeding at 120 miles an hour--apparently she and friends were rushing to catch WWF at Madison Square Garden. And, while she hasn't made her Vogue debut, Barbara and Jenna did make the cover of People in a big feature titled "Oops, They Did It Again."

Never does TheFirstTwins.com delve into judgmental ramblings, perhaps because Rucker confesses to be a fan of the twins in a recent San Francisco Examiner article.

He even scolds the Secret Service for not better protecting the girls--"bodyguards are most needed when drunk"--and offers his own words of guidance to Jenna following her May 16, 2001, day in court following a bust.

"Jenna: drinking (as you know) is fun; don't let them brainwash you out of this!" he writes.

While old-school journalists may consider coverage of President Bush's policies about global warming and the energy crisis the real news, it's far more enjoyable to cruise Rucker's site for tales of how the girls were the first students escorted out during a high school bomb threat or speculations about whether the twins are products of fertility drugs.

"Chances are high, considering the fact that [George W. and Laura] were seeking other means of having children (e.g., adoptions)," TheFirstTwins.com reads. "No moral point is made here, just old-fashioned gossip."

While it's not really dirt, the essay supposedly written by Jenna Bush, titled "Chandaralla of Harlem," is one of the highlights of the site. (If for real, it's her personal attack on the lack of racial diversity in fairy tales.)

Rucker, who has built a solid fan base of his own, is currently traveling in Europe and was not available for comment. Go to TheFirstTwins.com for information about merchandise, making a donation or just to melt into the addictive bliss of first twins gossip so good it almost makes W.'s presidency enjoyable.

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From the June 28-July 4, 2001 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © 2001 Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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