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Mr. Show

A dark night of Scott Peterson conspiracy theories

By Richard von Busack

AT THE Cinebar, June 23, 11:38pm:

Hey, Richard! How the hell are you, man?

Oh, hi, er, Ramon, right?

Doug, it's Doug. From traffic school, remember? Hey, I still owe you for tipping me off on that answer about the passing lane. I still always forget which one is which. The ... I wanna say, right?

Right. I mean, no, it's the left lane.

Naw, put your money away, it's on me. I'm working. Two PBRs, eh, when you get the chance? Yeah, man, I just got this job, but I'm not supposed to talk about it.

What, like, for the government? Thanks. [Lowers voice.] God, I hate it when the bartenders say, "Cheers," don't you? Where do they think they are, England?

No, man, it's not for the government. Not exactly. See, don't tell anybody, but I'm on the Peterson jury!

No way!

Way! It was hard! It was like getting on American Idol! They asked us a million questions all about what crimes we'd been convicted of, and whether we'd been framed, and whether we knew anyone in the field of law enforcement, and whether we had any opinions of whether Scott Peterson was guilty, and what color we liked best, and if we could be a tree what kind of tree would we be. I think I said, "larch." I don't remember. Anyway, now I'm pulling down $32 dollars a day! Sah-weet!

So, you can't talk about whether he's guilty or not? My kid loves that show. She says, "Daddy, I wanna watch 'Snotty Scotty' now!" Sometimes she starts banging her sippy cup like a gavel. "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" It's cute.

I'm glad you like the show. ...

See, I say it's going to turn out that Conor was actually the antichrist, and Lacey found out she was pregnant with Rosemary's Baby and killed herself and him to save mankind. And Amber was really a guardian angel sent by the Vatican. Wasn't Conor supposed to be born on Christmas or something? I'm sure that's when one of those antichrist babies would want to be born, right on Christmas, just to profane the holiday and like that.

I guess they were thinking of going in that direction, but, you know, where was the "666" mark? Eh?

Wait, his name's Conor—like John Connor in the Terminator movies? It's possible he was going to grow up to be humanity's champion in the year 2020, and they sent back a liquid-metal killbot to take them both out. ...

Yeah, I follow you.

Or maybe a mountain lion did it. There's been a lot of them going around. I saw a couple prowling in the parking lot at Valley Fair last Thursday—400, 500 pounders. Big tawny bastards. A good-sized cougar would have no trouble dragging a body down to the Berkeley Marina. They like to wash their food, like raccoons, you know?

Anyway, we don't know yet, they haven't told us how the show's going to come out. It's really secret. They keep the script in a vault and then they fly it out with armed guards handcuffed to the attaché case. This one guard—you know the type, the dark glasses, the little earphone, the shaved head—he said he wasn't supposed to talk about it, but he helped foil a plot to hijack the script for the "Mistrial" episode.

Whoa. That would have been a sad day for America.

Yeah. You know, I mean, it really moves me when I think about it. I'm not out in Asscrackistan getting shot or nothing, but I really—in this humble way—feel like I'm doing my part to keep up morale at the homefront.

Here's to ya.


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From the June 30-July 6, 2004 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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