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Biter

First Pretzels, Now This

Biter uncovers the true source of the Africa/Iraq uranium misinformation

By Michael S. Gant

AFTER AN EXTENSIVE investigation, Metro's crack team of undercover reporters has discovered the real reason President Bush used dubious intelligence information about Iraq's supposed purchase of uranium in Africa--he was the victim of one of those annoying Niger scam emails that keep clogging up our computer systems. Thanks to a Freedom From Intelligence Act request, we have obtained a copy of the email:

From: bogusintelligence@nigerlampoon.com
Subject: Viagra and uranium 1/2OFF#*mZXGY,gobeck my freinder
To: George W. Bush, Exalted Leader
CC: Dick Cheney, Exalted Leader in Vice
Hon. Tom Delaye, Apologist in Chief

DEAR PARTNER:

Please, I say, best wishes for a happy second electing SEASON. Before I am beginning, I must insist that due to the URGENT SECRECY of this important investment opportunity that you TELL NO ONE, especially in your CONGRESS, about this offer. I humbly rely upon your utmost discretion. To begin, then! You have been recommended to me after a long search through websites and newspapers headlines and protesting banners as a man of great importance with the will to act and the ABILITY TO BELIEVE. In addition, a Mr. George TENET has vouched for you most highly.

My colleagues AND I are senior government appointees in the uppermost reaches of the government of Niger. By virtue of our positions, we have access to a large quantity of "yellowcake" uranium [BIN #7715MN2] that is worth a huge bunch of money to someone, we are sure.

Indeed, my FUTURE PARTNER, this uranium was being held in an escrow export account for a certain foreign national known to us as a MR. S. Hussein of Baghdad, IQ, who was prepared to pay us US$105.5 million petrodollars for it. Sadly, Mr. S. Hussein was unable to complete our transaction being due to unforeseen circumhappenings that may or may not have resulted in his unexpected departing of this MORTAL COIL.

Now, in order to protect our investment we are in need of a NEXT OF KIN of Mr. S. Hussein to claim said cargo containers chockfullness with uranium rods [U.S.$267.5 million] at a P.O. box drop in a city along your Atlantic Coast TO BE NAMED LATER.

Once again, I must stop, and REMIND YOU TO TELL NO ONE OF OUR ARRANGEMENT! Otherwise the uranium [U.S.priceless] will revert to the hands of the Niger government and might be SOLD TO FRENCH INTERESTS!

In anticipation of your assistance we believe that you should be receiving this share: 45% of total value of uranium; 10% going for expenses; 10% for the silence of Mr. T. Blair, our agent of CUSTOMS AVOIDANCE in England; with a mere 35% retaining to us.

This transaction is 100% RISK FREE. No one will ever know! Please, just forward your private Telephone, Fax and Social Security and Poll Numbers to us for easing of future communications. Upon confirming your readiness, we shall prepare a letter of intent to transfer oodles of uranium that will appear completely legal and above all boards on genuine Niger LETTERHEAD using a government laser printer.

Thanks for your cooperation. We look forward to hearing from you.

I. M. Kidder, ESQ.
Niamey, Niger


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From the July 17-23, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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