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Getting Screwed

[whitespace] Speed Seduction probably does work, but then what?

By Michael Learmonth

WHEN READ ALOUD, Ross Jeffries' pickup lines conjure the image of Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd in their denim pimpsuits and natty hats sidling up to the bar as two Wild and Crazy Guys. Take this gem Jeffries includes in his chapter titled (take a breath) "Some Great Methods And Great Places To Pick Up More Women Than You And a Friend Could Possibly Hope to Handle Including the Only Two Pick-Up Lines in the World That Work So Well That They Can Get You Laid Automatically.

Jeffries classifies this one as a "clever line approach" specifically tailored for picking up waitresses: "I just want you to know that ninety-nine percent of the women who walk in that door would kill their own mothers to look half as good as you do."

As ridiculous as this sounds read aloud, it illustrates why I'm sure Ross Jeffries' techniques are wildly successful. Most of his lines, after all, are just compliments front-loaded with cheese. Anyone who could sit there, straight-faced, and say this to a woman without bursting into laughter or flipping into some smartass Ricky Ricardo accent is certainly going to be a successful scammer.

It's been years since I've fired off a serious pick-up line. In junior high, I was the gymnasium-dance king, asking girls I hardly knew to "slowdance," even helping my more timid friends get in on the action. I'll never forget slowdragging with Gemesa Grey, a girl in my neighborhood I barely knew before asking her to the junior high prom.

Then, a growth spurt and braces hit, and I was pretty much out of the dating action until college. Along the way, I made two pick-up attempts that were met with flat-out rejections. OK, they were over-the-phone attemps--definite Jeffries no-nos. My sheepish delivery lacked the benefit of Ross's hypnotic techniques or tips from his chapter "How To Fake Like You Are Warm And Friendly."

Despite my aversion to the romantic cold-call, simply getting laid has proven less a concern than a far more vexing dilemma: What do you do after you score?

Will a relationship be born of this tryst? If so, how do you feel about a "chick," to use Jeffries' parlance, who sleeps with you on the first date? If not, will you try to have a second go-round? And the most perplexing, how do you throw one back after you've feigned enough interest to get her into bed?

This, obviously, is not a concern for Jeffries. He gives detailed instructions for the truly inept from the line to use ("By what name are you called, you shining example of genetic perfection?") to the exact way to twist a kiss into a slam-session.

"Don't waste too much time on her mouth. This is where most men make their big error. Go for her neck as soon as you can. As you go for her neck, cup her breast in one of your hands. Gently rub it with the palm of your hand. Let your hands roam freely over her legs and ass--you are the rightful king, and this is YOUR TERRITORY [emphasis Jeffries'], rightfully yours to explore as you see fit."

After the fact, there are only clues as to how Jeffries would deal with a woman he had already screwed. Let's hope he would treat her a little better than the advice he gives for treating the women smart enough to resist his silly shtick.

Says Ross: "Flushing a chick down the toilet is almost as great as scoring!"

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From the August 13-19, 1998 issue of Metro.

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