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[whitespace] Cyber quotes from a very unofficial source

By Mark K. Anderson

THE PARODY website gwbush.com has enraged the candidate it skewers. Here are some reasons why:

"Governor George W. Bush Jr. today met with senior law enforcement officials, religious leaders, criminal justice academics and federal prison inmates to discuss a bold policy initiative called 'Amnesty 2000.' As President, Bush would pardon convicts who have 'grown up' but are still serving long sentences for possession of cocaine and other illegal drugs.

"G.W. Bush is not a pigheaded politician. Being able to admit when you're wrong is the mark of a great leader. He admits he sure was wrong when he recently lowered the age at which minors can be tried as adults in Texas to 14. After consultations with religious leaders, and after the big fuss over his own 'youthful indiscretions', he has opted for a more compassionate position on minors in the legal system.

"G.W. Bush on Juvenile Crime: 'If we are going to save a generation of young people, our children must know they will face bad consequences for criminal behavior. But not until they have really grown up. As I've said often enough in this campaign, my childhood didn't really end until I was in my mid 30s. In fact, I didn't really get my act fully together until I was 40.'

"'If I had been thrown in jail for minor drug crimes in my "youth," I wouldn't have ever been able to become governor, or run for president. That's why as president I want to raise the "certification" age--the age at which minors can be tried as adults--to age 40.'

"'It's true that we should suffer consequences for the mistakes we make--only after we've had ample time to mature. I, for one, have never suffered a single consequence for any of the big mistakes I made before age 40. And I made quite a few of them, and even broke some laws.'"

"Despite all its great work, GWBUSH.COM has recently been hounded by a pesky, upstart web site called GEORGEWBUSH.COM. That web site, a dead ringer for the one you're now visiting, first attacked GWBUSH.COM claiming that we were using some of GEORGEWBUSH.COM's copywritten (sic) material. The nerve!"

(From gwbush.com's response to legal action by George W. Bush's campaign): "I feel very strongly that it is important to express my opinion on this matter so that voters can be well informed of Bush's true character. He is, in my opinion, a former drug user and a hypocrite who believes that everyone but him should be held accountable for their actions, and that other people should grow up by age 14 whereas he did not grow up until age 32--or possibly 40, depending on his own accounts.

"All this said, I would ask the [Federal Elections Commission] to find me not guilty of violating the Federal Elections Commission Act of 1972 so far.

"I acknowledge that, as Bush claims, I may now have an effect on the outcome of the election. Also, because of Bush bringing so much traffic to my site I will soon go over the FEC spending thresholds of both $250 and $1,000.

"Therefore, I am looking into registering as a political committee with the FEC. Until then, I ask that the FEC consider the exceptional circumstances in this case and find me not guilty of violating FEC laws, as Bush's lawyers claim I have."

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From the August 19-25, 1999 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © 1999 Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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