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Critic's Corner

By Richard von Busack

WE GIVE you the first in what we hope will be a regular column by Tri-County Intransigent's own movie-maven Angus MacSavage, syndicated critic for Knout-Rotter newspapers since 1973. He is the author of MacSavage on Kinema and Ridge of Heartbreak: The Grenada War in the Movies.

Mr. MacSavage will not answer any questions about his sex life, hair, means of support or upcoming assault trials.

Mr. MacSavage, I saw a movie once I can barely remember the details of. There was this man, and there was this road, and there was this car that was driving lickety-split, and it stopped to pick up a pretty girl. Any thoughts? I'm sorry to be so unspecific, but I had been drinking.--Annie Greensprings, Spindry Manor

The film you refer to is Kill Me That Dead (1958), directed by Ted Grackle.

Help! It starred a fat man who ran a newspaper, but he never found happiness because he lost his childhood sled, "Rosebud."--Portia Dobro, Alewife Beach

This, also, is the 1958 film Kill Me That Dead. What a heartwarming performance by Scrag Jenkins as "Boofy."

All right, smart guy, what about this one: It begins with a lion sticking his head through a hoop that has "Ars Gratis Ars" written on it. I seem to remember the lion was roaring. "Roarrr, Grrr, Roarrr!" Like that, only more soft.--Coleman Lantern III, Chumpdungeon Estates

Kill Me That Dead, Kill Me That Dead! What is it with you morons?

As a critic, what do you look for?--Victor Von Doom, East Latveria

My shoes. They always seem to get lost under the seat in front of me.

What are the best movies ever made?--Jim Mushjar, Lake Flaccid

I'd put all the usual on the list: the captivating National Lampoon's Haitian Vacation; the English drama It's Better Laying Down; Rainer Marie Füssbüdget's Farewell My Schnauzer, Farewell; Jean-Claude Inquiete's Ma Belle Petite Pamplemousse; and Montenegran master Ymir Bogbroosh's 13-part epic Bleeding All Over the Place. But first and foremost, all five Star Wars movies and all Star Wars movies to come. And, of course, Kill Me That Dead.

What's Dame Judi Dench up to?--Doug Paraphernalia, Trailerview Court

She'll be starring as Blue Fish in the upcoming Dr. Seuss's One Fish, Two Fish, to be released December '05. Says the irrepressible Dench, "Children will love this. Particularly my contractor's children, after I've paid their father to install an Olympic pool and a tennis court on my estate with the pots of money I'm going to make."

Boxers or briefs?--"Stately" Buck Mulligan, Dublin

I prefer movies about prizefighters to movies about lawyers.

Boy, is Cameron Diaz fat! Has she been secretly gobbling pails of lard? She's almost as huge as Lara Flynn Boyle! Wha' hoppen?--Nanci Regalia, Moaning Oaks

What a hog she's become! Tipping the scales at a disgusting 98 pounds, Diaz is soon going to be fit only for roles such as the hideously bloated Queen Celeste, Babar the Elephant's consort. Her fans need to help her during this troubled time by oinking at her and screaming, "Too much pie is your problem, Hindenburg!"

Viveka Thong is my favorite actress. I love her so much, I can never stop thinking about her. I think Viveka's movies are like secret messages to me, and I can hear her voice in my mind telling me to come visit her. Do you have her address?--Homer Sydlemaniaq, Section Huit Townhouses

You bet! Viveka lives alone at 1396 Camino del Abudancia in Bel Air. She's usually home after midnight.

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From the October 30-November 5, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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