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Photograph by Dan Pulcrano


Hoisting Dean

The candidate's campaign schedule reveals his Southern strategy

By Michael S. Gant

"Howard Dean was repeatedly rebuked by his Democratic rivals at a debate [Nov. 4] for saying that he wanted to be 'the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks.'"
--Adam Nagourney, The New York Times, Nov. 5

WITH THE help of our team of crack unemployed IT experts, Metro has hacked into Howard Dean's Blackberry in order to discover the candidate's new Southern strategy to win the Democratic nomination for president. Dr. Dean's campaign schedule for the next two months reveals the candidate's new direction.

Nov. 15 The candidate joins his supporters for a $100-a-plate okra feed at the Little Rock, Ark., Hilton's Orville Faubus Banquet Room. Mr. Dean will discuss his proposal to impose a tariff on MoonPie imports from China.

Nov. 17 MediCare Drug Benefits for Seniors Policy Forum and Monster Truck Rally. Y'all come down now!

Nov. 20 Dixie Dems for Dean host a Night at the Movies. Tonight's classics: Birth of a Nation and Gone With the Wind. 7pm at the Atlanta Palace Theater.

Nov. 25 8am: Biscuits 'n' gravy meeting with the Fort Sumter Restoration Committee. 11am: Candidate Dean pays a visit to the set of Sesame Street, where he helps Count Amendments teach kids to count from 1 to 10--or else! 4pm: Mint juleps on the terrace for staffers and family members.

Dec. 1 In a rare display of candor and courage, the candidate will reveal that he experimented with Oxycontin when he was in college--but he didn't inject. Attendees will be asked to sign a giant Get Well Soon card for Rush Limbaugh.

Dec. 5 Another big family special. The famed kids' show Kuklux Klan and Ollie brings its hilarious sheet puppets to the Birmingham Jail Annex Trailers for Connubial Visits to entertain the offspring of inmates unfairly incarcerated for violating some gol'durn liberal gun laws.

Dec. 6 The candidate travels to Richmond, Va., to place a wreath on the tomb of Jefferson Davis. Visitors are requested to remove their hats during the playing of the "Musket Ramble." In the afternoon, Civil War enthusiasts will re-enact Pickett's Charge ... with live ammunition. Bullet-proof vests embroidered with catchy new "Keep the White House White--Vote Fer Dean" slogan available for a $50 contribution.

Dec. 10 A benefit concert by the Dixie Chicks canceled.

Dec. 12 An important announcement at 10am: Howard Dean is named the official front-runner of NASCAR. Candidate vows to veto Excess Horsepower Tax. Note to Press Pool: Photo ops with Richard Petty in the pits at 3:45 sharp.

Dec. 15 Dixie Dems host their Second Night at the Movies. Tonight's classics: Cannonball Run and Song of the South: The Director's Cut. 7pm at the Raleigh Rialto.

Dec. 20 The candidate meets with Trent Lott to pick up pointers on public speaking.

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From the November 13-19, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

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