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Cheer the *&%#@ Up!

THE WORD is out. Americans are blue this holiday season. And we Silicon Valleyites are supposedly so blue that we're indigo, walking around with such long faces, empty wallets and smashed dreams that we can't even see our way to the dancing-stoner Santas in Walgreens.

Hah! says Biter, who has not only laughed in the face of death but tossed insulting comments in to boot. C'mon, there's got to be a bright side to all this national doom and gloom! Yes, it's possible that looming war, the crushed economy and a Mad Magazine president have an upside. Here it is, Biter's list of reasons to cheer up.

1. You're not paranoid--the government really is listening to your conversations and reading your email.

2. Americans finally understand that "axis" is more than just a word in ebonics.

3. Pretzels now come with a child-guard cap.

4. Payment plans for things even as cheap as car stereos are being calculated in dog years.

5. George Foreman has come out with a roaster large enough to contact-grill Iraq.

6. Dick Cheney will be locked in an underground bunker until March.

7. Due to budget constraints, airline meals have been eliminated.

8. The Bush twins turned 21--underage drinking is no longer a problem in major metropolitan areas.

9. Thanks to Winona Ryder, Entertainment Tonight finally gave shoplifting the serious sociological attention it deserves.

10. There's no "have to have" gift for kids this year, so they'll be happy with anything that lights up.

11. When gas is $5 a gallon, there will be a lot less traffic.

12. If John Poindexter and Elliott Abrams can be rehabilitated, there's hope for even the most hardened crooks.

13. Hours and hours spent listening to grandpa's horror stories about the Great Depression--time not wasted after all!

14. The bad news: You already bought round-trip plane tickets to Nigeria for the next Miss World contest. The Good News: You were booked on United Airlines.

15. American high school history exams are a lot easier without the Bill of Rights to memorize.

16. The army is making video games that you can play for free, as long as you're willing to play at their house.

17. Fewer people have money to lose investing in Nigerian scams or the stock market.

18. TiVo has limited the general population's exposure to commercials featuring Morgan Fairchild.

19. Pretty much everyone in this country is getting fatter, so no one stands out individually.

20. Everything you learned about the Crusades in college is suddenly relevant again.

21. The San Jose Arena is no longer named after a company that sells cheap computers (Compaq Center) but after a cheap computer and a tent (HP Pavilion).

22. The Internet shopping revolution has reduced the likelihood of having to interact with people.

23. NASA has finally turned its attention to really important stuff, like inventing a solar-powered airplane that flies over coffee fields to calculate crop ripeness.

24. Trent Lott's career as a birthday speaker has been nipped in the bud.

25. Dodging creditors has been shown to speed metabolism.

26. Housecoats and fuzzy slippers are making a comeback.

27. Bombing the Tigris and Euphrates will bring a close to Western Civilization, allowing everyone to get a fresh start.

28. The new Ministry of Truth will provide jobs for work-seeking communications majors.

29. The renaming of the San Jose International Airport to Norman Yoshi Mineta San Jose International Airport will ... sorry, lost our train of thought there.

30. The Thomas Fallon Statue controversy ended--mercifully--when the statue disappeared into Pellier Park. (A continuation of our favorite theme: Do you know the way to San Jose?)

31. Once the war starts, Christopher Hitchens can go back to writing for The Nation.

32. Preventive detention can save a bundle on rent.

33. If you lose all the data on your hard drive, the government has a backup copy.

34. Whitney Houston has kicked her habit--at last there are enough drugs for the rest of us.

35. We're too old to be adopted by Michael Jackson.

Send a letter to the editor about this story to letters@metronews.com.

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From the December 26, 2002-January 1, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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