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[whitespace] Oracle Soul-Joiner Silicon Valley Swami Reveals All!

Silicon Valley Psychic Stuns All With Uncanny Projects for 2001 and beyond!

Local psychic spills on Brad and Jen, Ellen, Larry, Hill and Bill

By Genevieve Roja


THE Y2K BUG is still buggin'! Oprah considers--gasp--marriage! The truth behind golden boy Ben Affleck and mop top Chelsea Clinton! Oracle's top man will stay--horrors--on top! All this and more is revealed by Silicon Valley swami Oracle Soul-Joiner, who culls her magical and psychic powers to bring you, dear readers, a glimpse into 2001:


Battle for the Presidency, Decision 2000 (insert election cliché here)

The Oracle had predicted Gore to take all, but didn't anticipate all the legal wrangling, chad controversies and general post-decision caca. And she says that it's "not a mistake" that Election Hell wound up in Jeb Bush's Swampland, a.k.a. the Great Fogey State of Florida.

"There's a lot of jimmy-rigging and a lot of manipulation of the voting process anywhere," Oracle says. "I'm rather discouraged by it all. Girl, if this doesn't come out right, the nation's never going to be the same. "

And the American public should be able to "question almost everything." Oracle warns, "We're not done finding out the truth."


The Man, the Mayor, the Cupcake

Mayor Ron "Juan" Gonzales will be stepping down due to health problems. The Oracle sees trouble brewing in HizRonner's spleen, thyroid or intestines that will cause "dark circles under his eyes."

And Guiselle Nunez? The Oracle disses the Mayor's interoffice cupcake, figuring "the girl is just a girl toy. She doesn't have a future. She's going to get out of California."


Zapping Bugs

Apparently the bug up our butt known as Y2K is still deeply burrowed inside.

"We're not out of the woods for the Y2K problem," Oracle says. "I had a vision that we're going to get a mixed-up scenario--that the stock market and the online, international and national companies are going to be confused. Everything's in a vat getting stuck together."

Oracle warns that Americans should proceed with caution and that we shouldn't forsake these inflationary times. Oracle predicts that gas prices will continue to rise, and believes the president needs to address the limited supply of electricity and natural gas.


Taking Stock or Not

"I still say the stock market is headed for a fall," says Oracle. "As long as the technological stocks are driving the stock market, there's going to be a lot of volatility."


Ski Season

A no-brainer. "Yes, honey, we're going to have a heck of a ski season!" Oracle proclaims. "There's going to be a lot of snow! As a matter of fact, eight or nine people are going to be lost in the snow."


Hillary Clinton Hill and Her Billy

Oracle drops a huge "Ooooooh, that's interesting" and takes a few, short breaths.

"My thought is that Hillary is not going to let Bill go. Nevertheless, she might find him a liability. She got elected without him as far as we know."

And the living sitch? Together, but leading separate lives?

"They're not going to break up. They might separate, but it will be a legitimate kind of separation [such as Bill] going on a book tour, helping some foreign country. They won't do a divorce."

And while Hillary has emerged a victor in New York, Bill still has some personal hurdles to jump over, including lying under oath when asked if he had sexual relations with a certain chubby intern.


Ben Affleck The Clintons' Cherub

Oracle says there's no doubt the Clintons stand unified on the Chelsea front.

"They both want to groom Chelsea because [they] think she's got a political life in front of her. She might even be our first woman president. It seems to me Chelsea is a very intelligent young woman and has an understanding of global matters."

What about all this brouhaha in the tabloids about roughneck actor Ben Affleck and Chelsea seen cavorting around together?

"They have nothing truly in common. Chelsea is much more intelligent and classy. Besides, her mother and father don't approve. This new movie that he's in, Bounce, [shows] that he might really be a sensitive man, he might be quite tender, but he's not astute or smart enough to be with Chelsea."


Celebrities

Celeb Meanderings

On actor Bruce Willis: "I'm a little worried about his health. Same for [singer] Aretha [Franklin]." On surprise marriages, Oracle quips, "Liza Minelli might get married." And there's a good chance that actress-comedienne Ellen deGeneres--free from former lover Anne Heche--"might do an about-face," says Oracle, with a hearty laugh. "She's going to tell people she's allowed." She's also another candidate for marriage, as is Rosie. Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey, steadfast with companion Steadman Graham, might be forced into marriage, and there will be some "surprise notion" about Winfrey's sex life. Stay tuned!

On the recent nuptials of actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Oracle says she couldn't have predicted the pairing and questions why Zeta-Jones didn't go a few more decades deep with actor and former co-star Sean Connery. "It makes me wonder who the woman is behind all that beauty ... "

And what can we expect from newlywed actors Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Is there a "irreconcilable differences" citing in the future? Oracle thinks so.

"Brad Pitt is really a loner and he's really not going to be happy with anybody. He's one of those cowboy types. If he had his way, he'd be the Lone Ranger."


Plagues, Viruses and Infections, Oh My!

According to Oracle, expect alien substances in the water, a virus that's going to attack women (as reported in the tabloid Star), and an infection that will prevent us from eating meat. And don't even get Oracle started on earthquakes. "Oh honey, oh honey, oh honey!" blurts Oracle. Seems Alaska had an earthquake recently, and more will arrive in Hawaii and Oregon, depending on how the Earth is shifting, she says. "It's really just an aftershock in another location." And there's a good chance that an earthquake-generated tidal wave might wash away California forever in 2003 or 2004.

"We've got a lot to go through," she says. "The worst stuff that could happen to us should be over by 2012. If we can get through that, we should be doing fine."

In the 12-year span we should stock up on emergency supplies, prepare for a 3-day blackout, unpredictable hurricanes, increasing levels of water and unseasonable weather patterns. Californians needn't bother.


Truth and Terrorism

What we don't know is hurting us, says Oracle. In an eerie, almost X-Files similarity, the government is withholding information from the public, including the safety of our drinking water. "They're only giving us a little bit of information, and that [action] might be some kind of terrorist activity." Oracle also warns that there have been some terrible transportation-related wrecks involving buses, cars and trains. "All of them are based on terrorist acts and the government doesn't understand that."


Larry Ellison The Three Stooges: Larry (Ellison), Bill (Gates) and Steve (Jobs)

If the Oracle is correct, we should be very, very afraid of the Harvard dropout and gazillionaire entrepreneur, Microsoft's Bill Gates. It seems he's out of the red. "I think they're [the government] going to let off the antitrust and monopoly business. [Microsoft] will escape that."

By avoiding all of that, Gates and Microsoft will develop a special technology that will allow them to snoop through their consumers' computers. "Everybody can see where you've gone and what you've said," says Oracle, perhaps unaware that employers and hackers everywhere have already been tracking and spying for years.

Bill Gates "It's that kind of quiet intrusion that will lead them into attacking us. That's what's most terrifying to me. Where we're headed is into no privacy."

And Ellison, whose $38 million jet violated curfew rules at San Jose International Airport twice last year, will be seeing clearer skies ahead. This is despite Oracle's warnings that Oracle must change the way it runs its systems or else hackers will plague the company.

"This guy is pretty much going to do pretty well. He's still going to be where he is--at the top. I like seeing him stretching out in the political scene, with people not necessarily techies."


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From the December 29, 2000-January 3, 2001 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper.

Copyright © 2000 Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

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