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Tara's Advice

Manson Family Redux

Dear Tara,
I am a loving, caring New Age woman who is deeply concerned about the well-being of all living creatures. Bliss wells out of me when I think of the splendor and grandeur of the Universe. The only thing is I hate my husband and two kids. Absolutely despise them. I wake up most mornings practically shrieking "DIE! DIE! DIE!" and thoughts of an orgy of bloodletting consume me all day long. Rocks, dolphins, blue jays and fiddlehead ferns should be protected at all costs, but my family must be destroyed. Obliterated. Wiped out.

What should I do?
Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
You make think there is no way to reconcile your peaceful gentle nature with your homicidal tendencies, but there is, oh there is. Here in San Francisco alone I have met many lovey-dovey hippie-types who are literally seething with disgust and contempt. They may talk in butter-wouldn't melt-in-my-mouth tones, but free-floating hostility follows them like thunderclouds of doom. Members of this raging Rainbow Tribe are masters of all the arts of passive-aggressiveness, but it is in one area that they truly excel: Punitive Vegetarian Cuisine. You know what I'm talking about.

Protein is important for healthy bodies, so make sure you serve at every meal pots full of cold lentil sludge. Family not getting enough fiber? Puree of shredded ficus tree, thickened with generous slices of 'mmmm!' raw jicama, should take care of that. Seasonings? Why, wheat germ, of course, the most flavorful substance known to humankind, with the possible exception of brewer's yeast. Oh, and when you go out shopping for those sensuously delicious amino acids, be sure to buy 'em in the big "Oil Drum" size--it's an excellent deal. To wash down all this hearty fare I suggest fresh wheatgrass juice, or perhaps lassi, a sour yogurt drink that can be prepared with cucumbers and parsley. There is literally no end to the ways you can vent your bile toward your family via healthy eating. Just save some room for the vegan desserts!

Eating a day-old oatcake right now,
Tara


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From the January 3, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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