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Hair 2.0

Upgrade your style with L'anza's new 'Ctrl' line

By Jack Shamama

When Volkswagen introduced the "New Beetle" in 1998, amidst all the hubbub and promise that this was going to be the car of the future, one tiny detail remained: underneath the bouncy-ball round exterior was the same old plebian VW hiding inside. The car was a huge success nonetheless, and sure enough boring carmakers like Ford start releasing exciting and new rounder versions of their older cars. The same thing happened when Steve Jobs took a crummy old Mac and covered it in brightly colored plastic--the iMac is born and all of a sudden everyone from clockmakers to coiffeurs are releasing their products in five "flavors."

It's because of this I accidentally mistook the new "Ctrl" line by L'anza as another late '90s marketing gimmick--six new hairstyling products in a container reminiscent of the iMac mouse. And each one comes in its own color (collect 'em all!), each more or less the same as the iMac colors. However, don't dismiss these as mere clones--as far as hairstyling products go I've found no equals. Here's a breakdown of what each flavor does:

Tangerine: "software," with "F4 Giga_Hold." The lightest of the bunch, this is a new version of the classic pomade. It offers light hold, maximum shine and is water soluble. One caveat: your hair is prone to leave a "Soul Glow" stain wherever you rest it.

Blueberry: "modify," with "F5 Giga_Hold." This milky-white potion looks and feels like Elmer's glue. Leaves your hair looking like it has Elmer's glue in it (quite a cool look, actually).

Grape: "upgrade," with "F6 Giga_Hold." A less greasy version of the "software" pomade, it'll hold your hair in place until lunchtime, but then starts to lose its grip.

Lime: "fractals shocking green" with "F12 Giga_Hold" and Strawberry: "fractals bright white" with "F12 Giga_Hold." Both are high-powered gels that glow under a black light. The insert advises the adventurous to "put on body," but frankly I'm not that adventurous. It requires vigorous washing with soap and water to get off your hands after application.

Cherry: "modify," with F5 Giga_Hold." Of the six, this is the breakthough product. Roughly the same consistency of 25-cent slime from vending machines, this "rubber cement for the hair" offers the most hold ever found in an over-the-counter hair-styling product. It'll leave your hair as hard as if you put egg whites in it, and it lasts for days.

Although the package design may madden the Macintosh purist, let Apple's legal department settle it (after all, they're suing Timex for their iMac-like alarm clock). Your hair is going to need at least one of these to hold it through the next century.

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From the January 24, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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