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Pigeons for Profit

[whitespace] What to do with those foul-smelling avians?

By Hank Hyena

Feathered rats! guano-with-wings! Gutter Birds! We curse them with our scornful slang because we unanimously agree: PIGEONS ARE VERMIN. They're poop-bombs polluting our metropolis. Disgusting flocks are everywhere--cooing obscenely and gobbling vomit off the sidewalk. Aggressively, they beg us with their beady eyes--but when we toss them a crust, they show no gratitude. If we dare to shoo the pests away, they swirl skyward to seek revenge. Aiming carefully, they splatter us with their vicious excrement.

St. Francis of Assisi is the patron saint of beasts and birds--maybe that's why we let the little gray bags of dung live here. Sources tell me there's a psychotic Bulgarian widow in the Sunset District who thinks pigeons are "cute." But if you ask me, the best-looking ones are "roadkill."

Pigeons are evil! Brutally, they bully the "bottom" birds in their sadistic pecking order. They rip out neck feathers and stab at the tiny brainless skulls. Socio-ornithological studies have shown that the majority of 20th-century tyrants modeled their regimes after the cruel pigeon caste system ...

Pigeons hurt us, too! Every day, they dribble filth on all of humanity's worthy endeavors: our clothes, children, churches, civic monuments and carefully painted habitats are relentlessly defiled, buried foully under their execrable waste.


We're humans, not worms! We're the Dominant Species! My plan is this: Instead of spending $100 million annually to repair and prevent the destruction caused by these arrogant avians, let's enslave them. PIGEONS CAN MAKE US RICH.

My Quintet of Superb Suggestions:

1. ADVERTISING. Let's sell the pigeons to corporations. Chevron or Clorox or that Bay Guardian bear-man could silkscreen or decal their logo directly onto the birds, or tie banners to their thin purple legs. Imagine: thousands of pigeons flying everywhere, informing consumers about your product! Several "sponsors" could share each bird wing, or tails or armpits could be sold separately as "billboards" to accommodate every budget.

2. FOOD. Buffalo has chicken wings, Argentina has steak, Maine has lobster and San Francisco has ... pigeons! City government should seize all of the KFCs and turn them into FFPs ('Frisco Fried Pigeon), with Pigeon Pie, Pigeon Platters and Family Size Pots-o'-Pigeon. Gourmet restaurants could serve them on teriyaki skewers: Shish-ke-pigeon. Pigeon Pâté is also possible, and if all else fails, we could can them as cat food.

3. MAIL. Let's bring back "Carrier Pigeons" for local delivery. We could keep the birds in mailboxes; when you drop a letter in, the pigeons are trained to grab it and fly out. Addresses would have to be "scented," of course. Blueprints and heavy packages could be airlifted and hauled by several birds, yoked together. Even UPS could be replaced by teams of several hundred.

4. GAMBLING. I loathe "cockfights," but it seems fine to bet on a bout between burly butch pigeons fighting over a sourdough bun. The birds should be fattened up, trained and televised, like sumo wrestlers.

5. PORNOGRAPHY. The public is always looking for a new kink, so ... why don't we pluck a pair of live, horny pigeons, then watch their naked pimpled flesh DO IT? I'd pay at least $10 for a video of that, and you'd probably pay more, because you're a sicko for reading this far.

Hate my ideas? Send your own Utopian Schemes to Hankhyena@mindspring.com

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From the February 1, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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