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Tara's Advice

[whitespace] Tara

HOT Blooded

Dear Tara,
I'm a HOT girl who loves to go out with really HOT guys. The guys I go out with now, while still HOT, are not quite as HOT as the really HOT guys I used to go out with when I was more HOT myself. Do you have any advice on how I can stay HOT as I get older? I really want to be seen with only the HOTTEST of the HOT, because that's what I deserve.
Thanks in advance,
H to the O to the T

Dear H,
You are a prisoner of language, and I hear your chains clanking against cold stone. Like so many others, you are fatally constrained by a limited jargon that FORCES your rationality into cramped and unnatural patterns. With only the word HOT at your disposal, you are trapped in a whole series of destructive, inaccurate conclusions. In short, you are brain-damaged.

If I were the queen of the English language (the campaign for which is proceeding quite nicely, by the by), I would have no single word that meant "hot." Instead, I would propose lots of groovy and very precise variants such as "lashana-hot," which means "S/he's not really hot, but s/he's the hottest person in the room," and "da-hashana-hot," which means "In spite of the deep revulsion this person produces in me, I can't stop thinking about fucking them." In your case, I'd advise you to use a whole host of new words, some of which translate as "Oh God, I'm needy, I'm so very needy," and "I don't even care what you look like, so long as other people see you with me and are thereby distracted from noticing the gaping holes I have in my soul." Do you see how a little verbal clarity can be your friend and psychiatrist all in one?
Sincerely,
Da-bra-shahana Tara

(i.e. "My great insight into the human condition merely adds to my already extraordinary physical beauty.")


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From the February 1, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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