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Tara's Advice

Ego Deflation

Dear Tara,
I'm a man who's rapidly approaching 30. I used to be a total horn-dog, but now, as the days pass, I feel my sex drive fading away. Even when I do wind up in bed with someone, I don't always have the oomph to follow through. I guess I don't really mind, myself, but when I hear all my friends brag about their conquests, then I feel weird. Advice?
Signed, Too Pooped to Pop

Dear Pop,
Now that the world has grown smaller through things like the Internet and Pokémon, we here in the "West" are able to enjoy all the cultural treasures of the "East," including Pokémon and of course Tantric sex. It is the latter to which I will now refer.

What Tantric sex has to offer you as a man is spiritual validation for your sexual incompetence under the guise of "seminal retention." Seminal retention is the self-aggrandizing excuse impotent Asian men have used for millennia to silence their nagging, unsatisfied spouses and look really holy at the same time. The next time your willy's a failure in bed, make your eyes go all distant and tell your partner that your believe ejaculation is "coarse" and that you have made a sacred vow to retain yours for the benefit of all sentient beings. That'll shut 'em up.
Stay dry, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the February 7, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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