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Dear Tara,
I seem to only be attracted to unavailable people. I know, I know, I have to work on that--everyone tells me so. My newest frustrating crush seems to be on this bisexual married couple who co-teach at the yoga studio in my neighborhood. They are both extremely flirtatious and touchy-gropey with me, but as soon as I try to reciprocate, they act all offended and shocked like I've just spit on their Buddha statue or something. But then, 15 minutes later, one or the other of them will be feeling me up again. Am I going crazy? This ALWAYS happens to me!
Sincerely, Mixed Message Maniac

Dear Mixed,
I actually cried salty tears when I read your heartbreaking plea. I too know the pain of hankering after psychos. Finally, after much trial and error I realized that there are people out there who THRIVE on the confusion they cause in others; in fact, there are whole OCCUPATIONS full of these monsters. And yoga instructors head the list. You see, not really being enlightened, the average yoga teacher must beef up his or her otherworldly image by disdaining any perfectly healthy sexual overture. Being insecure, he or she cannot just rebuff you once, but must CONTINUALLY incite your desire only to spurn you the moment you, God forbid, ask 'em out for a chai. And it's not just yoga instructors! Brothers and sisters, spare yourselves pain and clip out the following handy list to carry with you everywhere. These are the folks who will do everything up to and including sitting on your face and STILL deny you nookie. Forewarned is forearmed.

Tara's Updated "Never Gonn' Get It" List

  • Yoga instructors

  • Anyone who works at a health food store

  • Personal trainers

  • DJs (very tricky)

  • Performance artists whose work involves gratuitous nudity and/or fire

  • Scantily clad people in the Upper Haight (yes, this is a profession)

  • Burning Man bisexuals (a.k.a. "I Know What You Didn't Do Last Summer")

There are many more, but this will keep you safe for now.
Always looking out for ya, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the February 15, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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