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Advice

[whitespace] Tara

Acting Out

Dear Tara,
I have one simple question. Why don't one's exes just die? It would make life easier.
Signed, Bitterness Becomes Me

Dear Bitter,
I know you asked for an explanation, but I'm going to go that extra mile and give ya some advice, too. Your main problem, B, is that your pain is making you petty; you're losing sight of the Big Picture. Why limit yourself to just wishing away exes? Can't you think of even more people you'd enjoy never ever seeing again? I know I can, and that's what makes me a winner. Hurt locally but act out globally, that's my motto.

For instance, why stop with just disappearing your exes? What about all those people we never even had a relationship with but still make us nervous? Like people we have crushes on. I'm sorry, my life is trippy enough without the added stress of feeling all weak-kneed and dizzy around some loser who happens to be cute. And what about boring friends? Let's not forget them. Or those people who come right up and stand in front of the one picture you happen to be looking at in the museum? I mean, what? We're just going to let these people off the hook? Is that really the proactive thing to do?

Now of course legally I'm not allowed to advocate murder, not in this column, but I can say who I might sweep under the Universe's rug, if I were God. I encourage you to emulate me and take just such a cosmic perspective. In the words of that beautiful old song, "Free your mind, and the rest will follow."
Modestly Yours, Tara


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From the March 1, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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