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[whitespace] Pie in the Face

Our newest social butterfly dates a potted-Ivy pizza boy

By Coral Pleasure

There's only one redeeming thing about dating a guy who works at a pizzeria--free pizza. I met him at a party. I thought it was cool that he wasn't that drunk, or at least not as drunk as I was. Only 22 and barely in The City for three weeks. My initial impression ... fresh. I showed my California license; he showed his Williams College ID. His hair used to be long, mine short. I don't know why small East Coast private schools are such a turn-on, but ...

The next day I surprised him at the pizzeria. He took me back to his apartment or, more accurately, his couch. I really liked his temporary roommates and forgave him for not yet having a place of his own, but there's only so many charitable excuses one can make. Our date proceeded and my wallet emptied.

I took him out to a club ($8), bought him a drink ($5), got him a cab ($6) with me back to my place. We sat on my couch and watched some TV. For someone who hadn't paid for a thing, he began acting as if it were I who owed him something. If I leaned against him, he went for the boob. If I kissed him, he went for the belt. I politely fended him off.

When he finally calmed down, he wouldn't leave. I think staying on his friend's couch taught him to treat everyone's sofa like a second home. By the time he got a clue and left (4am), I was experiencing rapid eye movement.

He asked for my number. I told him I don't like personal calls at home.

A few words of advice, future dates: if your friends will let you live on their couch, they can probably loan you $40 for a date. If they won't, you probably shouldn't ask someone out. And if you can't get to second base, your date's trying to tell you something: go home .

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From the March 6, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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