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Tara's Advice

Genie with a Bottle

Dear Tara,
My girlfriend and I have a bet. She says being a bartender is a cool job, whereas I contend that it must suck. Obnoxious drunks harassing you or--worse!--telling you their sad-sack stories, long hours, being on your feet, noisy work environment ... I'm right, aren't I? Go ahead and say I am--the loser of the bet has to take the winner out to dinner every night for a week! Yum!
Signed, Bartending Bites

Dear Barb,
Take off that bib and get out that wallet; little lady's going to be eating well tonight!

Barb, Barb, Barb. You know, sometimes I really despair of ever getting through to you people. Anyone who's ever spent even a second with one of my columns would know that my guiding principle, the Golden Rule that I try to get inculcated in all of you, is "Don't leave this life without making the world a better place for at least one bartender." Modern science has recently proven what many of us have long suspected--that bartenders are a superior breed of humans. Demonstrably, genetically superior. On the average, most bartenders have 16 percent more genetic material per square inch of them, as compared to average Homo sapiens. Although they will not let you see it, most bartenders have six toes per foot.

Bartenders also have an extra brain-lobe the rest of us don't have. Regular brain allotment allows we "norms" to use language, comprehend time, perceive space, etc. Zzzz. Bartenders, on the other hand, can use their lobes to go through black holes, while never leaving the comfort of their own bodies. How, you ask (moronically)? Well, the bartender super-lobe permits the gifted sommelier to transcend ordinary limitations, and delve into superspace and supertime, where superfreaky paradox reigns supreme. All this while they're still able to pour you (and 18 other patrons) a perfectly tasty Red Bull 'n' vodka. Mmm.

Luckily for you, Barb, bartenders are as gentle as they are smart. Due to their exacting code of ethics, never will you hear of a bartender who uses his/her powers to make you feel one whit less than the precious little hideously stunted miracle that you are. As sworn protectors of "the Force," bartenders have been known to throw themselves in front of speeding cars to help a soul in need. Ask the next bartender you meet if s/he will lay down his/her life for you and you'll be surprised at the answer!

Many people think that David Bowie wrote the song "Starman" while in a bar. Is it too "far out" to think that the great music maker may have been looking at a bartender while he did? And isn't it curious that crop circles look an awful lot like the rings of condensation that foamy mugs of beer leave behind? Inquiring minds want to know.
Soberly, Tara

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From the March 6, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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