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Tara's Advice

Pants on Fire!

Dear Tara,
I am a pathological liar. I have been all my life. It's starting to catch up with me now, as friends and loved ones are starting to put two and two together. My co-workers and boss are beginning to suspect that maybe I didn't graduate summa cum laude from the Ivy League. And that maybe I'm not a nationally ranked crew oarsman. And that maybe that wasn't me in those infamous "wood-panel" Calvin Klein ads a few years ago, even if I do kind of look like the blond kid. What do I do?
Signed, Loves Lying

Dear Loves,
Well, I don't think you're the one with the problem. I think it's the people around you. Sure, we could call you a pathological liar, but how does that help your self-esteem? It's much more healthy to think of the people around you as pathological truth-tellers, who are grossly unsuited for a world of chaos and paradox, i.e., Earth. In fact, your so-called friends are nothing more than heathen idolaters, worshipping the false god of Truth, and sacrificing beautiful fiction on their Golden Calf's bloody altar. Shall miscreants such as these prevail? Nay, I say, nay!

You are expanding the boundaries of possibility, while these Cro-Magnons seek to bash your delicate dreamer's skull with their club called Reality. While the trolls around you grunt their troll-song of "Couldn't, couldn't ever," you dare to shout "Could!" and "Maybe!" and "Why not?"

If Bill Gates hadn't told his competitors he controlled magic robots, would his business have done so well? If Madame Curie hadn't told the glassblower that her mother was dying, and the last thing the withered old woman wanted to see before she died was "as many shiny new test-tubes as possible," would the great scientist ever have discovered polonium? And finally, if I hadn't told the editors of this paper that Tara was just a nom de plume, and that in actuality I was Lady Murasaki, the medieval Japanese court-woman who wrote Genji Monogotari, the world's first novel, would you be reading these healing words of wisdom RIGHT NOW?

Nay, I say, nay, nay!

By lying, you do not deny Life, you extend it! Lie, lie, we all must lie!

I hope you have a wonderful day,

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the March 20, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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