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Frisco Utopia

[whitespace] Police Protection Perfection

By Hank Hyena

Civic esteem for the bay area butches in blue has plunged abysmally, because the acronym "SFPD" is too often linked to the pepper-spraying or Beretta-blasting death of yet another innocent citizen. Meanwhile, massive downtown banks--crammed with our $$$--are brazenly robbed in broad daylight! Are the Frisco Fuzz failing? Our thick blue line seems short on brains and boldness; they often resemble a clumsy herd of jelly donut-homping, trigger-happy tweakers. Are they clones of Dan White?

Local Law is also rarely available when you need it; have you noticed? Dial 911 to report a felonious act, and a badge won't appear for an hour. But if time ticks away on your quarter--WHAM! A tricycle officer descends like a vulture, to scribble you an excessive parking citation.

Frisco Utopian policepeople should all be heroic hunks and hunkettes, gentle and kind with nerves and stomachs of steel. I'm dismayed by the present situation, but I'm convinced that future forces will be faultless crimefighters if we faithfully follow the five fantastic reforms I've listed below:

Uniform Motivation: Our public protectors should be issued clothing and vehicles that punish or reward their recent conduct in the field. I'm not talking about nondescript stripes or a small scarlet "S" for sadism--no! I want entire "outfits"--like Chicken Costumes for the cowardly, and Batmobiles for the brave. (Porcine masks for the lazy and gluttonous, of course.) Imagine the immense joy and intimidation of arriving on a crime scene garbed as Captain America or Wonder Woman or the Incredible Hulk. Kidnappers, for example, would immediately realize that the opposing officer was a proven stud instead of a trembling rookie.

TV Time: Let's dump all the fake and out-of-town police dramas on local TV and replace them with footage--the good, the bad and the ugly--of Frisco Cops on the beat. If our officers were videotaped for public display 100 percent of the time, they'd all show up for work well-groomed, witty and buff--and they'd act honorably, knowing their moms and mistresses would be watching. Perky and photogenic police would strive extra hard, because casting agents might be seeking substitutes to replace the aging Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the next installment of Lethal Weapon.

Warm & FUZZy: Police get burned out; their souls shrivel as they battle against the sordid agents of evil. Officers obviously need more "sweetness" in their life, and I have the purrr-fect solution. In Frisco Utopia, all cops should keep a cuddly kittycat or animal of comparative cuteness in a clean box near their desk. Two hours of soft stroking, cooing and petting would be the mandatory minimum dosage per day. "Tenderizing" classes like "Buddy Massage" would also be required at the Police Academy, alongside regular curriculum courses, like "Pistol Whipping" and "Interrogation Terror."

A Beat of Their Own: Give each cop a street strip to personally monitor, and if crime erupts on his turf, penalize his allowance. If every citizen had the cell phone number of their own "Big Daddy" or "Big Mommy," we wouldn't just get put on hold for infinity when we frantically call in for assistance.

RoboCops: If Frisco Utopia can't locate enough humans to correctly police us, let's just scrap the entire blood and guts contingent--we'll use androids instead! If a RoboCop accidentally kills a conference room full of "good guys," we can always melt him into scrap metal and execute the errant engineer. Problems will probably always persist, but at least we'll have something different to complain about.

Hate my ideas? Send your own Utopian Schemes to [email protected].

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From the April 12, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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