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Fashion Advice

[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Dear Miss Pinkie Shears,
Everyone is talking about the Y2K problem, about how we should expect power outages and telephones down and looting, etc. I hear all sorts of suggestions about hoarding food, batteries, candles and weapons, but they haven't made any suggestions about what to wear during this crisis. Should I add a couple extra packs of briefs to the stash in my shelter?
--Ready Freddy

Dear Freddy,
Why not just pack away a nice hide to slip into so the mutants will think you are one of their own when you emerge from your "hole"? Prudence will require that you not inform your neighbors about your stash, or you may be responsible for a new twist on the classic "panty raid" in the next millennium. I would opt for comfort and warmth--and throw in a slicker or rain poncho. It very well could be raining if Microsoft Weatherworks is offline.

Dear Pinkie Shears,
Why exactly are you qualified to write a fashion advice column?
--Curiously anonymous

Dear C.A.,
You are laboring under a weighty misconception. Qualified means whoever writes one's check feels it is easier to put up with you than to find a better replacement, or that there is simply no one around to stop you. That goes for everybody. For example, you are quite qualified to write silly, pesky letters.

Dear Miss Shears,
Why are people who work in clothing stores so snotty?
--Clarice, the Mission

Dear Clarice,
Their attitude is all they have to hold on to during mindless, poorly compensated hours during which the only challenge is to actually remain standing while listening to the inane chatter of the ambivalent, indecisive, vacuous, vain and snotty masses. So shop filled with pity, not trepidation. My Nanny Li always used to say, "Lemon juice makes me smile." Now, go be cheerful and lighten the load of those retail Sisyphi and get something Grecian for yourself while you're out.

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the April 12, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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