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Tara's Advice

[whitespace] Tara

Celebrating the snore

Dear Tara,
A number of recent "overnight visitors" have mentioned that my schnozz emits a rather rattling and jarring noise while I sleep. Evidently, rather than an endearing exhale, I sound like a rumbling N-Judah. I am willing to try anything to get this to stop, but nothing seems to be working and I am unsure how to bring up this delicate subject with future lovers. I am paralyzed with fear and now spend most nights awake rather than disturb my newfound "friends." When is the appropriate time to bring this subject up? How do I avoid scaring the men away? Am I doomed to celibacy?
Signed, Cutting off my nose to spite my face

Dear Cutting,
The I Ching reminds us that when we hang out with losers, our true friends--who are out there somewhere--can't find us. And your true friends, Cutting, are DJs.

"Uh-oh!" you're thinking, Tara's about to lay into DJs again, but au contraire, mon ami. DJs, art students and experimental musicians are angels of love sent here to teach us to cherish the world in all its sonic glory, including your hideous nocturnal honking. Why, I just read an article in the Bay Guardian that says that Björk herself likes to listen to sounds of all kinds, and the stranger the better. And that there are wizards of sound--right here in this city--who can turns your zzzs into phat, blockrockin' beats. Start out small but dream big. I'm picturing you onstage with the Kronos Quartet two years from now. They're tooting, bleating and fiddling, and you're out like a light. You win a Bammie.

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the April 12, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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