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House of Cards

[whitespace] Yuppies' Law of Threefold Return

By Mark Ewert

In our continuing look at SF activist groups, we focus this issue on the Mission Yuppie Eradication Project, or whatever the hell they're called--you know, those nutters who want to vandalize your SUV. Don't get me wrong--I, too, hate yuppie materialism--but according to the Witches' Law of Threefold Return, if I were to stoop to such petty acting out, my own possessions would get fucked with three times over, and I NEED my iMac, my Vespa and my Braun espresso machine! But enough about me. Tell us, O Fates, what destiny you have in store for the MYEP.

Best Possible Future: The Knight of Pentacles (calm, stately progress). Realizing that yuppies must be co-opted, the MYEP spearheads an effort to make walking really, really cool. In fact, walking is no longer called walking; the hip now invite each other out for an evening's marche a le pied. Ambulating via one's own two feet becomes a very expensive, very involved affectation--nay, lifestyle! Swing classes vanish from the face of the earth.

Worst Possible Future: The Chariot, reversed (misapplication of forward drive). The MYEP misapply their forward drive right through the plate-glass windows of the Slanted Door.

Mark Ewert is a professional card reader and can be reached for readings at 415.252.9321. To submit topical questions to House of Cards, email [email protected].

Book Bonus: Read Mark's true-life account of sleeping with William Burroughs at age 18, coming soon to www.nerve.com.

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From the April 12, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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