[ Arts Index | SF Metropolitan | MetroActive Central | Archives ]
Miss Pinkie Shears
Dear Miss Pinkie Shears,
All of my clothes seem to get shorter and shorter. It's like my arms and legs are still growing, but I don't seems to be any taller or able to reach any farther. Any idea why this is happening?
--Becoming Li'l Abner
Most plausibly, you are washing your clothes incorrectly. Hot and even warm water can easily shrink fibers and "tumble dry low" doesn't mean in the bottom dryer. Washing gently in cold water and line drying will minimize shrinkage. Less likely, this is a psychic phenomenon. You may have outgrown your clothes stylewise, and your subconscious is indicating this by using your own latent telekinetic powers to shrivel your cuffs. In the realm of pure speculation, I might add that mildly malicious but somewhat lazy elves pop in once month or so while you sleep and little by little re-hem your duds. To recap: Pay attention to care labels inside your clothes and clean out your closet a bit more often with an eye to donating shrunken goods to charity. (Try to keep a lid on your ESP or you may end up strapped to a machine in a desert installation.) If all else fails, leave out a few pickles every night on a plate. Elves absolutely adore pickles, and it may dissuade them. But I can make no guarantees. Elves are elves after all and notoriously unpredictable.
Dear Pinkie Shears,
I've decided to get a dog, but I want a very fashionable one. I'm not sure if I want to go classic, hip or cutting-edge. Are Jack Russell terriers still in or is it the Boston terrier now? What about the status implied by the golden retriever vs. black lab? And what is the most daring dog these days? Standard poodle?
--Dorian, the Mission
You must be a sick sort of person. A very detestable sick sort of person. Dogs, pets of any kind and most children are not accessories. Nothing you could drive, wear, carry or call home can disguise your brown little prune of a heart. If daring is what you truly want, stick some wheels on a hot dog and wheel that around.
In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.
[ San Francisco | MetroActive Central | Archives ]
From the April 26, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.
Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc. Maintained by Boulevards New Media.