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Tara's Advice

[whitespace] Tara

Black Inside and Blue Outside

Dear Tara,
I'm really depressed and would like to stay that way. It gets me a lot of sympathy and, also, aren't most great artists depressed? Any tips on how I can keep the bluebird of happiness from ruining what I've got going here?
Sincerely, "Fiona Apple"

Dear "Fiona,"
Girl, you came to the right place! I'm not one of those Prozac-pushing cheerer-uppers who will prescribe enough meds so that you'll not only watch Ally McBeal if it happens to be on, you'll actually go out of your way to schedule the show into your life. If wallowing is good enough for pigs, who are supposedly very smart, it's certainly good enough for MTV superstars like yourself. God strike me down if I should ever try to take someone's pain away from them.

My first suggestion to you is to do a lot of speed right before you go to sleep at night. Only goody-two-shoes care about being "well-rested." And don't waste your time eating. Just concentrate on energy-boosting, sugar-rich foods like candy bars. Use the time you've thus saved to rededicate yourself to making your last bad relationship work. I'll bet you anything you guys were too hasty when y'all finally concluded it was over. Over? Nothing's over! Get in there and fight for what you believe in! Some people say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results, but I say insanity is giving up on what was obviously your one shot for true love in this lifetime!

Cherish intensity and extremes. Don't pay your bills, change your clothes or go outside. How could you? You've been really mistreated by life, and it's just not fair that other people have it easy. I'm telling you, you can get even with the world if you just sit in your room and think it through carefully enough.

Oh Fi, there's so much more I could say to you, but I know you know it all already--I've seen your videos. Just remember that no one, not even me, can ever truly understand you, you're just that unique and special. In the entire history of humanity, no one has ever felt the way you do now.
Grimly, Tara

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the April 26, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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