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[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

Some weeks even someone as loquacious as myself finds little to say. This most certainly is a result of suppressed spring fever. All the signs should be there, and yet the weather is dreary and my outlook bleak. A dear friend's great-grandfather, Mr. V., said once that "doing absolutely nothing was the best expression of faith in the world." While I long for rum weather, what can I do but put my feet up and enjoy my brandy?

Dear Miss Shears,
I'm going to a Doggy Singles Day in the park on Memorial Day. What do you think Juggles and I should wear to attract the right kind of attention? What about matching gingham or pastels for spring?
Amanda in the Avenues

Dear Amanda,
Fortunately for you, but much to my great consternation, dressing animals in human attire is considered neither a mortal sin nor a violation of any known law. However, I'm quite confident that any attempt to pair you and your canine companion in anything resembling "matching" outfits, especially if visors are to be included, would elicit well-deserved retribution from the Powers That Be. So take heed.

Dear Miss Pinkie,
What is the gentlemanly way to dispose of the pits of olives, dates and cherries in mixed company?
A Curious Chap

My Dear Chap,
A date should be split with the fingers and pit removed. I discreetly inspect the inside, as I am not fond of eating some of our friends from Class Insecta. The remaining fruit may be eaten in one bite or two, depending on whether one is also holding a stimulating conversation. The flesh of olives should be eaten clean off the pits. If you are not in the midst of amusing other guests or yourself, let as much happen inside your mouth as possible. Return the pit to your plate or provided receptacle. On occasion your host may forget to provide a place for pits. If my host is a relative stranger, I line my pits on the table edge or mantelpiece like a row of fat little soldiers. As for cherries, when on a high tower or bridge, by all means, spit.

A paradox: Things that are "gentlemanly" are also ladylike.

In need of style advice? Send all queries to Miss Pinkie Shears, San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St., SF, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the May 4-17, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.

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