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[whitespace] Tara

Multitasking Maniac

Dear Tara,
I can't manage my time for anything. Since age 12 I've been an accomplished gymnast, cellist, dancer, costume-maker, political organizer and wannabe ocelot breeder. I also compose music, juggle and hack high-security information systems. But right now, I can barely keep up with all these different interests. How do I schedule my life better so that I can let all of my many facets shine?
Sincerely, Just Another Manic Mindy

Dear Manic,
Hon, I don't want to define your reality, but your whole outlook on life is just wrong wrong wrong--100 percent screwy. I'm not saying you're stupid, but you've got yourself turned completely inside out, like one of those people from Scanners just before they explode. It's a miracle you got to me before you blew.

You've probably been reading too much New Age bull. Ever since the '60s, self-appointed gurus have been telling Americans that we're too uptight and we need to let it all hang out. In recent years, this ludicrous message has become even more insistent and specific: now we're all supposed to follow our bliss, listen to our heart-song and make art about our least little feeling. It would be easy enough for me to jump on the bandwagon and write yet another book about how to become uninhibited--psychically, sexually, creatively or what have you--but I respect the finite resources of our little planet too much. "Stay blocked"--that's my battle cry. You can read all about it in my new book, Ignoring the Fire Within, coming soon from a major New York publisher.

In Ignoring, you'll learn just why it's so important to throttle your natural impulses and remain phobic and shut down, namely, so that Spaceship Earth is spared another book of bad poetry or one-woman show. You may think I have no credentials for this sort of thing--being only 19 years old--but I'll tell you this: for the last few summers I've been teaching workshops based on Ignoring the Fire Within principles. And I don't mind revealing to you now that many key members of Cirque du Soleil have been my students. While they've been very hard to work with, since they're so "crazy" and "inspired," nevertheless my themes of silence and repression are beginning to have some effect even on them. It may be premature to say this, but I think we may all live to see a Cirque-free new millennium. Checks can be sent to me via Metropolitan.
Sincerely, Tara 'Happy Day' Limbaugh

Can't get enough of Miss T? Well, check out her "Most Spiritual Show Ever," where you'll find new video adventures each week, and your video horoscope!

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From the May 10, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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