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Frisco Utopia

[whitespace] Brothel Bonanza

By Hank Hyena

Frisco has recently annexed Treasure Island--hooray! Our first overseas colony--an imperial conquest! Now, with ruthless greedy planning, we can ravage this isle's primitive riches; we can exploit its resources by duplicating the bloodsucking success of previous maritime expansionists: the Vikings in Malta, the Dutch in Indonesia, the Spanish in Cuba, Ecuadoreans in the Galapagos, the English in Barbados, Ireland, Cyprus, Australia, the Falklands, etc., etc.

Treasure Island! The title itself titillates with cash possibilities. Sure, it's just a flat spit o' soil, a drab sand dab, but still--it's bay-front real estate! A dune with a view! And I, of course, have an amazing development plan: Vice! Let's pack Treasure Island with all the wicked obsessions of Amsterdam, Las Vegas and Manila combined--gambling (casinos, whippet races, lesbian boxing), drugs (hash, heroin and "smoking" bars) and, of course, the ancient libido-lucrative vocation, prostitution!

Treasure Island can be our "Brothel Bonanza" key to an early retirement. All we have to do is exorbitantly tax the rutting behavior and we'll roll in the dough. The more they come, the richer we'll get! Whoring is patriotic because it exemplifies America's traditional values--Personal Liberty & Capitalism--so let's salute the Stars and Stripes proudly here and pass out free condoms. Believe me--German and Japanese johns aiming their organs at Bangkok will cancel those tickets; they'll fly to Frisco instead if we entice them with cathouses mewling with heat.

Big Bucks in the Billions is our goal here, so let's offer product that is "consumer driven," i.e., fake boobs and blond boy toys, with Jamaican gigolos and Italian stallions for prowling modern women. Please! None of that fetish stuff here--it's intimidating to Iowan couples who get bored at Pier 39 and want to cruise over for some comfortable coed raunch.

We also own other atolls we can kink up for copulation commerce: Angel Island, for example. It's presently ignored by meandering tourists because it offers nothing for sightseers except indigenous weeds. Yawn! My pimp proposal is this: Let's retain all the silly moths, herbs and mushrooms but drop in some sexy Cave Sluts, too. Neanderthal nookie, Cro-Magnon cock, Tarzan studs and attractive Amazons resembling Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bear or Rae Dawn Chong in Quest for Fire--an entire island of promiscuous Paleolithics, dressed in fur bikinis. They'll lure clients into gamy caves and urge them to gobble barbecued rabbit; then they'll screw them, australopithecine-style.

Alcatraz is also included in my prosperous prostitution plan. Of course, we'll keep all the historical jail tours intact to nab the daytime tourist money, but at night let's transform it into a Prison Pleasure Palace for gay and lesbian hornies. Wander the cells watching jail buddies and jail babes bonking behind bars or, for extra cash, get locked up in a pen yourself with a dozen cons and commit the carnal crime of your choice.

All these Orgasm Oases must be Frisco-owned and managed--we'll tolerate no organized crime syndicates here (other than the mayor's office). Hookers hoping to hump here will have to pass rock-hard mental and physical exams--fluency in two foreign languages, plus a dissertation on the Kamasutra and nine units of contortionism. We want to serve the public the classiest 'hos on Earth! And we'll all get disgustingly wealthy doing it, because every Frisco citizen will reap fat dividends, due to the 50 percent tax we'll impose. In five years, all of us will retire--richer and fatter and lazier than Caesar, because we've got our island colonies doing all the sweating and grunting for us!.

Hate my ideas? Send your own to [email protected]

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From the May 24, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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