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Advice

[whitespace] Tara

Rhythm-Method Acting

Dear Tara,
I'd like to be a porn star! It seems like such a glamorous lifestyle, and just now I'd give it my all. Any tips on how I can break into the biz?
Thanks in advance, I Dream of Boogie Nights

Dear Dream,
What am I--your pimp? How old are you? Are you a cop? If you are, you're required by law to answer me truthfully. Who gave you this address? What do you want from me?

All right, deep breath, Tara. Dream, assuming you're for real and not a minor, I'll tell you what I know about making a career jump, no matter what the profession. It's not so hard. First, take off all of your clothes and lie in the middle of your room. Next, do a creative visualization. When that's good and clear, ask yourself, "What color is my parachute?" Finally, get out there and do what you love--the money will follow. Just follow your bliss. See? Easy. Everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten. Am I like chicken soup for the soul, or what? Excuse me for a moment while I go run with a wolf.

All right, all right, I can hear you whine that I'm not being specific enough. Fine. Dream, it's your responsibility to go out there and be proactive. Think about the kinds of things that happen to people in porn and make them happen to you. Lots of sexual scenarios seem to revolve around some sort of service person (pizza delivery boy, plumber, door-to-door sorority fundraiser) showing up at your house and you not having enough money to pay them. Well, you have to give them something, right, so why not your body? I mean, that makes sense. So make it happen. You can also spend lots of time in locker rooms, dormitories and gas stations--a lot of porn features such sites. If you're at a beach or by a pool, don't bring along suntan lotion; be sure to ask a stranger for some of theirs. And, hey, whoever got offended when asked to give a simple back rub? Hitchhike in the rain without an umbrella. There are lots of nice people out there who will give you a lift and say, "We simply must get you out of those wet clothes. Why don't I take you back to my place, where you can change into something warm and dry?" In general, favor outfits that tear easily and/or are easily spilled upon.

I guess what I'm saying, Dream, is practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty, in all your affairs. Now leave me alone.
Tara


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From the May 24, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

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